


heir

by allfandomnolife



Series: heir [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, CEO, F/M, Heartbreak, Smut, Time Skips, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:00:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26861029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allfandomnolife/pseuds/allfandomnolife
Summary: Before he owned Buchanan Bionics and was looking for an heir to his empire, he was your Bucky. You helped create it with him. But that was not the only thing the pair of you created: a son. A son that Bucky has no knowledge of until a decade on, at a school assembly, that he puts two and two together.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Sam Wilson (Marvel)/Reader
Series: heir [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027164
Comments: 70
Kudos: 161





	1. o n e

Bucky. Your Bucky. At least, at one point in time, he was your Bucky. You thought that he was yours. He made you believe that he was yours. For years, he made you feel special; made you feel like you were his. With words of adoration and thoughtful gifts, you really believed that he loved you. At one point in time, he was your best friend. You grew up together. And you grew apart separately. 

You were with him through it all: the war, his arm, and the creation of his empire. Like a fool, you helped him, working for free, trying to get Bucky’s little start-up into something more. But that something more turned into the demise of your relationship. 

Pretty cerulean eyes that reminded you of the ocean. Free. The smell of salt and freedom. Childlike youth and you felt young love. That is how he made you feel. Until he grew cold and judging. He made you feel like a burden and then he said it himself; you were a burden. Maybe he, too, felt like a burden. The loss of his arm brought a lot of stress on every aspect of his life. And he took it out on you.

But then he changed over a period of months. He became someone you didn't know. Cold. Mean. And unlike him. He became the sort of person that he vowed to never be. When you were young, he said that all he wanted to be was a good person. But he became the exact opposite of that.

It is different now. You've both moved on and you have to accept that you will never get him back. You find solace in your memories of him; standing at the beach and watching the waves fall and crash against the bank. The smell of the salty air and the feeling of sand between your toes take you back to a better place.

It is where you feel the most free. It is where you are reminded of being in love. Young and dumb, too. And that was a long time ago. Years ago. Being in love with Bucky ruined your life in some aspects, but he never took without giving back. He took your heart but left you someone else to love. A person that you were not expecting. And one that he does not know about. You vowed for him to never know. You refuse to let him destroy another life. 

Your mother called you selfish for keeping such a secret from Bucky but you do not care. Your son would not be a pawn in his horrible little game and you vowed it the moment you realised that you were pregnant. The innocent little child had no place in his father’s search for material wealth.

Bucky made his choice: an empire that came laden with riches. Lavishness that you would never be able to comprehend. A life of luxury and fancy cars that cost more than the rent on your home. For a decade, at least. That is the sort of person Bucky has become, the life that he made for himself... He went from a bird begging to be let out from its tiny cage to a person shackled by wealth. It makes you sick to think about the man you fell in love with, and the man that he has become.

In a sick way, you're unable to stop checking up on news about him. You follow all of the tabloids and every time you see him with a new woman, your heart sinks. It makes you sick to your stomach knowing that somebody else has been able to keep his attention. That another woman has gained his affections. Even if it is not for long...

But the most heartbreaking thing is when your son asks about his father. You never know what to say. Or how to say it. There is too much pain and confusion on your part but it is too selfish to say that to your child. There is no way that you are able to tell him that his father chose money above everything else. Or worse, that his father doesn’t know that he exists. 

An innocent child. One brought into the world because you love him. But it is selfish that you have not told him about his father. There is no way for you to tell him about his father without it being something that brings hurt. Bucky Barnes brings hurt in tidal waves and it drowns you. So you gave your son your surname.

It pains you to look at Luca and not be able to give him a reason. He’s a spitting image of his father: blue eyes that take you to the ocean and thick dark hair that covers his eyes. But you remind yourself that is not the case that his father left because he did not love him. Bucky is not in the picture because he did not love you. 

It's a bitter pill to swallow; being in love with a person that discarded you for material wealth. An empire that he would inevitably leave behind. He had no heir, you know that. At least, he thinks that he does not have an heir…

You know better than that. But you don’t know what to do. It would be selfish to deprive your son of an empire that is rightfully his. But you also do not want him to become his father: cruel and uncaring. You spent a long time specifically making sure to raise Luca to be like his father when he was young. Loving and strong-willed. 

You hoped that it would be enough from stopping him from turning into Bucky. Your sweet little boy; kind and smart. The source of your happiness. He has lived his ten years without knowing his father and you can barely even speak of Bucky without breaking into tears. 

You’ve tried to move on from him but Bucky has a way of staying in your life. Whether it be when you’re at the doctor’s office and there’s a magazine with his face on the front, reminding you of the man he has become. A new woman on his arm as he walks into a fancy restaurant or exits his expensive car.

*

‘Luca! It’s time for you to go to school, hurry up and put on your shoes!’ you scream up the stairs, prompting your son to run down the stairs with loud thuds. ‘What did I tell you about running down the stairs so noisily?’ You cock your eyebrow and Luca looks at you feeling a little guilty.

‘Sorry, mom,’ he sighs, putting on his shoes and getting his school bag. ‘I don’t want to go to school today.’ Both you and Luca sigh. It’s a week about careers but nothing has really appealed to him yet. ‘It just feels so stupid. They keep bringing people in and all it does is make me sleepy.’

‘I know, sweetheart, but you have to go. I can get in trouble if you don’t go,’ you smile sympathetically, before kissing the top of his head. ‘Come on. I’ve got to get to work, too. Don’t want to be late, do you?’ Luca shakes his head and you sigh. You wish that there was something else you could have done.

Starting the car, you drive to his school. What you don’t expect is to see Bucky outside the school. He’s in a dark, armoured car, and he spots you. Neither of you make any indication that you see the other but you know. You can feel his gaze. ‘Luca, do you know what today’s speaker does?’

You just hope that it’s not Bucky. Luca looks at you with confusion before answering. ‘Something about robot arms!’ he says, realising that the concept sounds really cool. You kiss him on the head and wish him a good day. All the meanwhile your heart continues to sink, knowing that Bucky has seen you and Luca, and that he’s made the connection.


	2. t w o

Speeding away from Luca’s school, you make your way to work, trying to get the image of Bucky out of your mind. The last thing you want to think about is the ramifications of what Bucky saw. Especially since Luca is practically a mirror image of Bucky when he was younger: dark hair and blue eyes that can see through souls.

You try not to cry, not wanting to ruin your makeup or raise any suspicions about your feelings. At least, that’s the plan. Only you’re not able to hide the fact that your smile won’t reach your eyes or how you’ve been nervously twitching. In all fairness, you were never the best at hiding your emotions. 

But you push it all aside, hoping to avoid all thoughts about Bucky. But the memories flood your mind. Earlier, you noted that he no longer hid the prosthetic limb, instead, living and accepting that it is a part of him. A little pride swells within you; you’re not sure why but it does. Maybe it’s because you can see that he has grown to love himself a little.

Maybe he could learn to love you, again, too. It’s wishful thinking, and you’re not even sure if you want that anymore. You’ve never really been sure about what you want from Bucky other than for him to love you. But that may not even happen; he will have an interest in you because of Luca, though.

All of the years that you have tried to shield your son from the truth of his father may be unravelled by a school day. When Luca complained about being sick, you should have just let him stay at home. That would have saved you everything. Seeing Bucky has ripped you back to a life for yearned to forget.

And yet he finds a way to cling on. You don’t think much when your boss gives you a new brief. It’s simple enough: conduct market research and then help create a new advertisement and media strategy. Amanda tells you that it’s a big job. Apparently, they are the biggest company to have ever signed a contract with the firm.

‘It’s brand new, unexpected, and important,’ she states, handing you a file. ‘The CEO’s PA made an emergency meeting and signed within the hour. Crazy.’ She throws her hands in the air in wonder and confusion. There is a lot of excitement in your office: there is a chance of a really good bonus if everything goes well. As long as the client is happy, you’ll be really happy too.

It helps you forget about Bucky for a few brief moments. That is until you open up the file and see the name of the company: “Buchanan Bionics.” Bucky’s company. You remember helping him think of the name and being so relieved when the trademark came through. Now, all the name does is make you feel sick.

‘Can you do a full file on the company, please,’ Amanda looks at you a little worried. ‘They’ve created a new bionic arm that is able to replicate the feeling of touch. I’m not really sure how but I need a full brief before we can start doing anything else.’ Amanda then walks out of the office giving you the privacy to cry.

It’s the first time in a long while that you’ve let yourself be upset by Bucky. His mere existence has the ability to render you a little useless. The tears wrack your body as you let everything out. All of the fear of him finding out about Luca, and now the fear of what he may do now that he does. 

It’s too much for Bucky to have hired your company for it to simply be a coincidence. Bucky knows about where you work; that is the only explanation all things considered. Did Luca tell him? You have no idea just how much Bucky knows but it’s more than you’re comfortable with.

*

Dread fills your stomach as you drive to Luca’s school. Every turn you make, and every traffic light you pass, there’s a fear that Bucky will be there. It’s like he’s haunting you but you can’t shake him off. It’s deeply unsettling and you find yourself gripping onto the steering wheel so hard that you start to lose the feeling in your fingers.

But the feeling of impending doom only increases the close that you get to the school gates. Would Bucky still be there? The question runs over and over in your mind. You let out a sigh of relief when his car is nowhere to be seen. It gives you a little hope that the rest of your day will not be haunted by him. And to try to stop that from happening, you decide that you will take Luca straight home.

‘Mommy!’ Luca screams, running towards you, arms outstretched. ‘I’m so glad I didn’t stay at home today, We met this really cool man called Bucky. He has a metal arm, mommy. It’s made of all metal!’ Your son continues to babble on and on about how Bucky’s arm.

‘I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, sweetheart,’ you smile, putting on a faux pleased voice. In reality, your stomach is sinking and it feels as if the world has been pulled from underneath you. Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. You’ve tried to protect Luca from this world for so long. And look at where it has gotten you.

‘Mommy! Bucky said that one day I could work for him!’ Luca gives you a toothy grin as he continues on about how much he admires Bucky. A part of your heart swells knowing that Luca would accept Bucky as his father. But then it sinks again once you remember why Luca has had no father.

If anything, Bucky was merely a sperm donor. An involuntary one, in some respects, but you remember just how willing he was… ‘Luca, baby, did you tell Bucky about yourself?’ your tentative with your questioning. Maybe it would help you understand how Bucky found your place of work. Or if he really did have no idea.

‘I told him all about you, mommy. I told him about how you made the billboard and he asked me how old I am and he asked me about you. A lot about you!’ Luca’s face lights up with glee as he recounts the day. You have never seen him leave school wanting to go back. ‘And he kept asking questions about you.’

As reality dawns on you, you know that it won’t be long before you are forced to speak with Bucky. He will find a way. He always finds a way. The company, itself, is a testament to his tenacity and his ability to make things go his way. But that is what scares you: he can take Luca away from you. And you would not have the means to fight him.

‘I’m glad you enjoyed yourself today,’ you smile, pinching his cheek. ‘Did you tell Bucky about where I work?’ Luca nods his head enthusiastically and you sigh. ‘Luca, what did mommy tell you about stranger danger?’ You ask, pointedly, grabbing his hand. 

‘Mom! I’m a big boy! I don’t need to hold your hand anymore,’ he whines as you both cross the road towards your vehicle. Biting your tongue, you unlock the car and decide to have a conversation with him once you’re on the road. The pair of you get in and Luca slumps in his seat.

‘What did I tell you about stranger danger, Luca?’ your tone is a little more clipped now. ‘And if you continue to act like a child, I will have no choice but to treat you like one. Do you understand that?’ Luca nods and reluctantly apologises before turning away from you and crossing his arms in a huff.

‘I’m not telling you off because I think it’s fun,’ you sigh, checking your mirror before turning. ‘I love you and I want you to be safe and stay safe. I know that you didn’t know that you shouldn’t tell Bucky but it’s dangerous.’ You feel a little guilty for not telling Luca the truth about Bucky and why you’re really upset with him. But you reason with yourself that there is no harm in reiterating safety.

‘I know,’ he sulks, turning to look at you with remorse. ‘I’m sorry.’ Tear well in his eyes and you pat Luca’s leg, letting him know that you’re not mad at him. You never really can stay mad at him. Especially when you look into his eyes. But they make you feel sad, sometimes, when you remember just how much they look like Bucky’s.

Clicking your tongue, you pass your house, ‘how about ice-cream?’ Luca’s face lights up at the idea and you feel a little bit of the guilt dissipate. Slowly but surely, you know that you will get over the situation. But you refuse to hold Luca back. If he wants to work in bionics, you will help him every step of the way.

But what you can’t do is give him a relationship with Bucky. You may never be able to give him that.

*

The little ice-cream shop is your favourite: it opened when you and Bucky started dating. The pair of you wandered aimlessly around the city until you stopped at this little parlour. Since then, you have always come back. Not even the negative memories of Bucky has been able to stop you from coming back.

You and Luca sit by the window as you listen to him speak about bionics and what he learnt at school. You’re not really able to focus but when Luca stops talking, you’re dragged back to the moment. Luca looks over your head, face filled with awe and before you’re able to turn around and inspect the cause of your son’s change in demeanour, it’s answered for you.

‘Bucky! Mommy, it’s Bucky!’ Luca all but squeals, catching the attention of everybody in the tiny shop. You’re mortified but the embarrassment makes way for horror when Bucky approaches you. You can tell that he’s mad; probably because you hid his son from him. ‘Bucky! Hi, Bucky!

‘Luca, stop it,’ you hiss, pulling his hand down from the air. He pouts, not liking being told to be quiet. But his face lights up when Bucky walks over to your table. Keeping your head down, you’re unable to look him in the eye.

‘Bucky! It’s Luca from school. I met you earlier,’ his voice is filled with awe and enthusiasm and it’s one that you can’t resist. And it seems as if Bucky is not invincible to it, either. ‘This is my mom, I told you about her earlier.’ You don’t even doubt that Luca is beaming at the sighting of his new hero.

‘Hi buddy, it’s good to see you again!’ you see Bucky’s face light up, mirroring Luca’s. His smile reaches his eye; something you thought that he lost the ability to do. ‘Is it okay if I talk to your mom for a bit?’ Bucky looks at you and you feel yourself burn up underneath his gaze, It is intense and intentional.

‘Sweetheart, can you go to the playpen for a little?’ you ask, voice shaking a little. Luca looks at you with hesitation before you nod once more, prompting him to go and play in the ball pit. ‘Why are you here?’ Your voice is barely above a whisper and you are still unable to look Bucky in the eye.

‘He’s mine. Isn’t he?’ Bucky asks in a low, even voice. It makes you nervous; he’s dangerous. Like a predator stalking his prey. He’s waiting for you to slip up so he can take Luca away from you. You wouldn’t put that past him. You know what he is capable of and you will never underestimate him. 

Not after how badly he hurt you before.


	3. t h r e e

Stunned into silence, you avoid Bucky’s gaze, watching Luca, instead. You hear Bucky's breathing. He’s getting more and more agitated by your lack of answer. ‘He’s mine, isn’t he?’ Bucky repeats, glowering at you hard enough that you can feel it. ‘I have a right to know. He’s ten. The timeline fits.’

You remain silent, tears welling in your eyes. This is a conversation you’ve imagined many times before, but the reality of it is far worse than any of the scenarios that have played out in your head. ‘Why won’t you just answer me?’ Bucky hisses, making you focus on him, and not Luca. 

Hanging your head down in shame, you stare at the white table beneath you. Your view gets cloudier as the tears continue to pool. His words echo in your head and you’re unable to break out of the feeling and the fear. All you want to do, and can think about, is grabbing Luca and running away. 

You’re good at that. And keeping secrets. But who can blame you after all that Bucky has done to you. Especially after all that you have done for him. The bitterness in your blood courses around your body, poisoning everything that has been left untouched. 

The walls feel as if they are closing in on you; the space trapping you so that you cannot escape Bucky. It is like you’re caught in his trap all over again. But you never left it. You’re always thinking about him. Simply looking at Luca is enough to remind you of Bucky.

*

| 2009 | parkchester, new york |

*

‘Babe, come to bed. It’s late and you’ve been working all day,’ you yawn, stroking Bucky’s arm. The sun has long set and neither of you have had any real sleep in weeks. ‘Come on, love, it’s late and we’re not going to get anything done like this. We have even eaten yet, Bucky.’ You try your hardest to reason with him but it’s mostly futile.

‘I can’t sleep until I get this right,’ he mumbles, screwing something in place. ‘The pitch is soon and if there’s no product, there will be no funding and I don’t know how much longer we can live like this, doll. It’s getting too expensive, too quickly.’ Sighing, you kiss Bucky’s temple before going to the little kitchen and make a sandwich. ‘And it’s not fair that you’re living like this too. With me.’

‘But it won’t be like this forever, Buck. I’m here because I love you. And don’t you ever forget that,’ you soothe. ‘I’m serious. We will get the funding but it’s not healthy for you to work your normal job, come home, and then work some more. You need to take a break. Just for tonight?’ You try to bargain from the kitchen.

The studio apartment you rent is tiny but cheap. You both agreed that it would be best to invest as much money into the company as possible. Only, there isn’t even a name for the company yet. ‘How about, we try and pick a name tonight, and then we call it a night?’ you call out. 

Cutting the sandwich in half, you walk back to the living area where Bucky is hunched over his newest bionic arm. ‘Fine,’ he huffs, putting the soldering iron down. ‘We need that before the pitch, too, don’t we?’ You let out a laugh before nodding and kissing Bucky.

‘Yes, we do,’ you peck him on the lips once more. Bucky pushes the arm and materials to the side, prompting you to sit on the table with your legs dangling around him. ‘What about “Prosthetic Inc” or “Barnes’ Bionics”?’ Bucky purses his lips and shakes his head.

Running his bionic arm through his hair, you’re able to tell that it’s all getting to him. The stress is far too great and the lack of sleep really is not helping. ‘Eat,’ you order, pointing at the sandwich and glaring until Bucky picks it up and takes a bite out of it. You grab the other half and follow suit. ‘Wait. I think I’ve got it: “Buchanan Bionics.” It’s perfect.’

Chewing, Bucky nods his head slowly in contemplation. He swallows and after a few brief moments, he mutters, ‘Buchanan Bionics. I like it.’ Throwing your arms up in glee, you grab Bucky’s face and kiss him, giggling against his lips. ‘Buchanan Bionics. You’re a genius, doll. How the fuck did we not think of it before?’

‘Because we’re idiots?’ you laugh. ‘But enough about work; I think that it’s time for us to celebrate.’ Your voice is sultry as Bucky kisses you once more. As you break apart, he captures your bottom lip between his teeth and pulls back a little. Your hands instantly tug at his hair whilst Bucky sucks and nips at your neck.

‘You’re gonna leave marks, Buck,’ you moan out, not really doing anything to stop him. Your words only seem to encourage Bucky more; he grazes his teeth over your neck before kissing away the feeling. Closing your eyes, you lean your head back, giving Bucky better access to the sensitive skin.

‘That’s the point, doll,’ Bucky chuckles against your skin, before pulling back to tear the t-shirt over your head, discarding it on the floor. He has a smug smile when he sees just how hard your nipples are before taking one in his mouth. He pinches and twists the other one; making sure to give them both the attention they deserve. ‘Wanna make sure that everybody knows that you’re mine.’

Bucky’s hands trail to your panties where he rips them off, exposing your wet sex to the chilly air. ‘So fucking perfect for me. I bet I don’t even need to get you ready, your greedy cunt will take me,’ he smirks, licking his lips. Your pussy clenches around nothing at his words alone and Bucky uses it as an opportunity to pull himself out.

Stroking his cock, Bucky groans, staring at you. Wanting you to see just how hard you make him. ‘Come sit down, doll,’ Bucky indicates with his finger before grabbing your waist with one hand and steadying his cock with the other. Sinking onto his length, you groan. His size always makes you cry out; your pussy burning with the stretch. ‘Such a greedy girl, aren’t you? Always need my cock to make you feel full. To feel whole.’

As Bucky says it, he raises his hips, making you moan, throwing your head back. You pull on his t-shirt for leverage before Bucky takes it off and pulling your body flush to his. Feeling his hot skin against yours only makes it feel more intimate. Rocking your hips slowly, you begin to ride him.

Hiding your face in the crook of his shoulder, you brace yourself against Bucky as you feel the familiar knot in your stomach. Your body begins to tremble as your climax builds. Holding onto Bucky as tight as you can, you scrunch your eyes together and mewl as he toys with your clit.

‘Cum, doll,’ Bucky commands. ‘I know you can do it.’ He continues to encourage you as the knot snaps making you see stars. Your entire body trembles against his as your walls clench and flutter around Bucky’s cock. ‘That’s my good girl.’ Your walls clench harder at Bucky’s praise, causing him to groan.

*

‘He may be yours in blood, but you’re not his dad, Bucky,’ you spit through gritted teeth. Your voice is low: not wanting to get any unwanted attention from other patrons, but more importantly, from Luca. ‘I’ve spent a decade protecting my son from you and I would rather die than have him turn into you.’

Each of your words cut and stab at Bucky. You’re aware of that much; he has never been good at hiding his feelings from you. Staring into his eyes, you see his cold exterior waiver, letting out the smallest indication that he’s hurt. That you hurt him. ‘Don’t say things like that,’ he hisses. ‘You don’t get to keep my son away from me.’

‘My son has no father: his birth certificate says so. I have never asked you for so much as a dime. You are nothing but a glorified sperm donor. And since you are just a mere sperm donor, you don’t get to walk in here and demand to see Luca. You don’t get to be upset,’ you grit out, tears falling onto the table below. ‘Not after everything that you’ve done to me. You don’t get a say in any of this.’

‘Bullshit!’ he screams, slamming a fist onto the table before quietening down. ‘I have a right to know my son. I had a right to know the second that you found out about him. It’s selfish that you kept that from me. That you kept him from me. My son. My flesh and blood.’

‘Don’t lie, Bucky. You don’t care about the fact that you have a son: you care about the fact that you have an heir. That’s what you really want, isn’t it? A person. No. An innocent child that you can corrupt and make the heir of your fucking company. That’s all you care about. It’s all you’ve ever cared about.’

Standing up, you grab your bag and Luca’s backpack before calling for him. Luca runs over to the pair of you and grabs your hand. ‘We’re going home now, baby,’ you say, glaring at Bucky when Luca is not looking. You can hear your heart in your ears and every part of you hurts. 

It hurts even more than when he left you.


	4. f o u r

Running away isn’t an option. Not really. But in the moment, it is the best idea that you have. You hear Bucky follow the pair of you to the car. That makes it even more difficult to stop yourself from crying in front of Luca. With shaky hands, you unlock the car and usher Luca inside as Bucky tries to get your attention once more. ‘Seatbelt, Luca,’ you remind, cocking your eyebrow as the boy buckles himself in.

Shutting the door, you sigh and turn around to face your nightmare. Feeling Luca’s beady eyes watching you, you turn your back to him and try to obstruct as much of your son’s view as possible. ‘He’s my son too. You’ve kept him away from me for a decade. You’re not going to keep him away from me for another,’ he growls, almost threateningly. ‘He is my flesh and blood as much as he is yours so tell me why you think that you have the right to do this.’

Your lip quivers and you struggle to keep yourself from breaking down. ‘Tell me this, and answer honestly: do you even recognise yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror?’ all of the harshness is gone from your voice, leaving a desperate cry for the man you loved. 

There is something so dejected lingering in the air and you’re not sure as to whether it is you or if it is Bucky. ‘Actually, I don’t really even want to know. He’s your son by blood,’ you hiss, trying to stop Luca from knowing the identity of his father. ‘If you manage to get his birth certificate, you will realise that it says that his father is unknown. Because, in my eyes, he doesn’t have one.’

‘Well, wouldn’t that just be fucking convenient for you?’ he spits back. ‘And trust me, the last thing you want to do is try and keep me away from my son. Now that I know about him, I will stop at nothing to have a relationship with him. Do you understand?’

‘Are you threatening me?’ you huff, fists clenching. The only thing stopping you from punching Bucky is the fact that Luca is there. ‘Don’t you even think about taking my son away from me. I’m the one that raised him. Do I need to remind you, once more, that I am his mother and you are nothing more than a glorified sperm donor? All you did was cum inside of me. That was your entire contribution to Luca’s life.’

He looks back at you with dark eyes and a small but menacing smirk. ‘Right. But what would the court and a paternity test say, though?’ he goads you. ‘I am clearly in a better position to give him a good life-a life he deserves. A better one than you could ever even imagine giving him.’

His words punch you in the gut. Utterly winded, you just gawk at the man in front of you. His eyes are completely dead, and in that moment, you realise that the Bucky you loved was well and truly gone. ‘D-don’t you dare come waltzing back into our lives and think that you can control it.’

He looks at you with a flash of something...maybe guilt. But it’s gone as quickly as it appeared. Bucky opens his mouth but you cut him off. ‘You have no idea how hard the last decade has been and what I’ve had to do to make sure that Luca has a good life. You have no right to say anything to me. Especially not after you decided that even being with me was too much of a burden to your empire.’

Bucky doesn’t look you in the eye; opting for the ground. The two of you are more than aware that Luca is watching. ‘Can we speak about this later?’ Bucky asks softly. When he sees your hesitation, Bucky continues to speak. ‘Somewhere private. Maybe when Luca is asleep, or something...’

Taking a few moments to think about his proposition, you nod. It’s slow and deliberate but also enough to let Bucky know that there is a lot of hesitation on your part. Tilting your head to the sky, you close your eyes for a brief moment of respite. Pulling a business card from your bag handing it over to him. ‘Luca’s bedtime is at seven.’

Bucky takes the card and nods. Turning away from him, you make your way to the driver’s seat. ‘Wait,’ Bucky calls out. ‘As shit as this whole situation has been, it was good seeing you again.’ Your heart sinks as you hear his dejected voice. He’s just as, if not more, hurt as you.

Nodding in response, you climb into the car and start the engine. Bucky watches as you pull out of the car park and make your way home. ‘Mom, what were you and Bucky talking about?’ Luca asks from beside you. You mutter a quick nothing, wiping the tears from your face. ‘Mommy, why are you crying?’

Squeezing his leg, you once more mutter a quick nothing as you force yourself to concentrate on getting home safely. The doubt spirals through your mind and you’re certain that it can only get worse from now on. Fearing that Bucky will take Luca away from you, your hands begin to tremble. 

Luckily, it does not take long to get home. As soon as you open the front door, Luca runs up to his room, giving you a little time to hide in your own one and cry. But after a few moments, you have to compose yourself and think about what to do when Bucky calls. 

It could completely change your life and you’re not ready for that. Not at all.

*

| 2009 | parkchester, new york |

*

‘Stop pacing,’ you order, jokingly pointing a finger at Bucky’s, still pacing, figure. ‘You’re going to wear my floor down.’ Bucky glances at you with panic-stricken eyes and you run over to hug him, essentially preventing him from moving any further. The big pitch is tomorrow and his heart is racing against your chest.

‘What if I fuck it up?’ Bucky tugs on his hair with his bionic arm before sighing. ‘Then all of this work is down the drain. We’ve worked so hard on it.’ He gestures to his new bionic arm, the cue-cards, and the presentation. All of it had taken the pair of you months to perfect. 

Cupping Bucky’s face, you force him to look at you. ‘You won’t,’ you whisper softly before pulling him into a tender kiss which he instantly deepens. Tilting your face upwards, Bucky gets a better angle before he picks you up and carries you to the bedroom, unceremoniously dropping you onto the bed. 

‘I bet you’re already wet, aren’t you?’ Bucky chuckles, knowing just how ready you are for him. ‘The new arm is doing something for you, isn’t it?’ Hiding your humiliation behind your arm, Bucky pulls it away so that he can admire just how ready you are for him. You’re surprised at how he still looks at you with such awe every time he is able to simply look at you.

‘Buck,’ you whine as he pins your arms above your head with his flesh hand whilst the bionic one tears off your panties. ‘How about you fuck me instead of teasing me?’ You’re already desperate for his touch and Bucky knows it. The fact, alone, makes him even cockier than he was before.

Letting out a low growl, Bucky pulls your legs apart and teases your dripping sex with his metal arm. The coolness sends shivers up your spine and you let out a breath. ‘Please, please please,’ you start to beg, bucking your hips to emphasise just how badly you need Bucky.

‘Someone is really fucking desperate tonight, aren’t they?’ Bucky continues to tease with a glint of amusement in his eyes. ‘Come on, baby, take what you need. I’m just going to watch my pretty girl get herself off tonight.’ Bucky has an amused look on his face and you’re not very sure what to do.

Pulling Bucky’s arm towards your cunt, you look at him, and wait for him to slip his fingers into you. But he doesn’t. When you whine in frustration, he smirks and shakes his head, prompting you to straddle the arm. Bracing yourself against his shoulders, your hips slowly rock against Bucky’s arm. 

Throwing your head back, you moan at the friction. Rolling your hips in circles against the arm causes you to scrunch your eyes shut and hold onto Bucky for dear life. The familiar coil in your stomach starts to tighten and Bucky knows by your pants and so he lays you down on the bed, starting you.

‘Let me take care of you,’ he whispers, slipping two fingers into you, fingers curling and massaging your walls. Clenching around his metal fingers, your hips buck as you try to reach your climax. With his other hand, Bucky rubs your clit. You start to see stars and quickly come around him. 

You cry out and Bucky pulls his fingers away from you just to pull himself out of his boxers. ‘My turn, pretty girl,’ he cooes, watching your thighs tremble. Quickly, he buried himself inside of you, groaning, and letting you adjust to his size. As he starts to move, he sticks the metal fingers in your mouth. ‘Gotta clean it up before the presentation tomorrow,’ he groans, taunting you. 

You’re too far gone to care about how embarrassing it would be if the investors could smell your arousal on it tomorrow. Lost in Bucky’s thrusts, you claw at his shoulders, loving how perfect he feels inside of you. Already close you your second orgasm, a sneaky hand trails down to your clit before Bucky shoves it aside to look after you himself.

You moan and cry out at his ministrations. Using your ankles, you pull him even closer to you so that he is buried to the hilt inside of you. Your walls clench him, causing the two of you to come at the same time.

*

| 2009 | manhattan, new york |

*

‘Well, Mr Barnes, we are astonished at the craftsmanship of the bionic arm,’ one of the investors stated, holding the arm. You are not used to seeing Bucky without his arm in public but he holds your hand tightly under the table. ‘It is an incredible achievement to have made this arm in a year, and your story is truly inspiring.’

Bucky smiles, nodding as the woman speaks. He thanks her, looking at you for approval. Your heart swells with pride, the sheer fact that they were sold on the arm almost instantly is such good news. But you knew that would be the case: the arm is incredible and so well crafted that there is no way there wouldn’t be an investment.

‘Mr. Barnes, I am willing to invest $10 million into your company for a 30% stake,’ she says, smiling, before looking at her lawyer. ‘If you are willing to sign today, I will have Mr Odinson draft up a contract now.’ She returns the arm to Bucky who quickly snaps it back in place.

‘The proposal was for 20% of the company. Is there any room for negotiation,’ you speak up, causing Ms Jones to turn to you slowly. Her gaze is cold but you know that there are other investment options. Bucky already told you that he would not be happy giving too much control over the company and you were not going to let her take any more from him.

‘Thirty percent but if I get my investment back within two years, five percent of my shares will be able to be brought back, reducing my share to twenty-five percent,’ she says, curtly and Bucky nods, extending his hand to shake hers. ‘Great. Mr Odinson, please could you amend the contract for myself and Mr Barnes to sign.’ 

*

You clean the house wildly, scrubbing every inch of the floor, trying to clean it all up. Luca is not a messy child, but it’s hard for you to have the house in order all the time considering how much you work. It doesn’t leave much time to clean as often as you would like. But you get Luca to pack away his toys as you get to work on the bathroom. 

Your phone pings. Bucky asks for your address, and reluctantly, you give it to him. There is nobody that would be able to look after Luca at such short notice and so you relent to letting the man that ruined your life come over. Putting your phone down, you go to the kitchen to make some pasta before tidying up the living room.

Once it is cleaned, you serve up dinner and then put Luca to bed. ‘What’s wrong, mom? You seem really sad?’ he looks up at you, all tucked in, and you force a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. Kissing Luca’s forehead, you tell him that you’re fine and that you love him before switching off the lights and shutting his door. ‘Good night, mom! I love you!’

With a defeated smile, you check your phone. Bucky is about ten minutes away and it gives you a little time to make yourself look more presentable. You don’t want him to know that you’ve cried over him more than once today, and you would rather die than let him take Luca away from you.

Looking in the mirror, you’re aware of how sad you look. It’s unsurprising that Luca was able to see just how miserable you are. It’s heartbreaking that your son is able to identify just how not okay you are. But you brush it aside as everything that you’re doing is to benefit him. And you hope that, one day, he will understand that.

A knock on the door startles you and you force yourself to go to it. Checking in the peephole, you see Bucky. It’s not like you didn’t expect to see him, but your heart sinks, nonetheless. Taking a few deep breaths, you open the door and let Bucky in. ‘Hi,’ you mumble as he takes off his shoes.

You show him to the living room and look at him with fearful eyes. You fidget with your fingers before offering him a drink although you know that you probably won’t have anything good enough for his tastes, anyway. He shakes his head and you let out a sigh.

‘You might as well spit it out, Bucky,’ you deadpan, refusing to look at him, and especially not at the metal arm. ‘But I want to reiterate that I will not let you take Luca away from me. I am his family. And I am not going to let some stranger take him away from his family. He doesn’t deserve that.’

‘He deserves to have both of his parents in his life,’ Bucky retorts and you feel as if you’re about to be sick. Your stomach turns and you feel bile rising up your throat. This entire conversation is worse than anything you’ve ever imagined and you’re surprised that the fear has not debilitated you yet. ‘He has always deserved that. But you robbed him of that.’

‘Don’t you dare try and pin the blame on you,’ you say through gritted teeth and unshed tears. ‘I was, and am, protecting him from you. Do you remember when you told me that you didn’t want to care about anybody because it would be nothing more than a distraction?’ 

‘Don’t twist my words back on me: I said that I didn’t want to be with you. I didn’t say that I didn’t want a family,’ he shouts. You scold him, in fear that his shouting will wake Luca. He quietens down but clenches his fist. ‘I never said that I didn’t want to have a child. I’m sure that you know that I want a child. I’ve wanted one for years.’

‘No, Bucky. You want an heir. There’s a difference,’ you sigh, crying. You openly weep, feeling the pain clutch onto your chest and squeeze all of the right out of you. Or, at least, it tries to. But the only thing that keeps you going is Luca. ‘Tell me that if I told you that I was pregnant, you would have been a father to Luca. Tell me that you would have believed me if I told you.’

He stays silent. You know that he is not able to answer it truthfully. ‘Exactly,’ you whisper. ‘This is why I didn’t tell you. All you would have done is accuse me of being a burden. You would have seen Luca as one, too.’ You gasp, fighting your lungs to take in some air.


	5. f i v e

Nothing was solved by Bucky’s visit and you both agreed to have a proper conversation about it over the weekend. An adult conversation. Although he is gone from your home, you’re unable to shake off his presence. If anything, it seems as if he is clawing his way into your life and poisoning it from the head. Sadly, the week caught up with you and now you’re stuck battling an anxiety-inducing Saturday.

It was impossible for you to sleep that night. The possibility of Bucky taking Luca away from you was crippling. You were completely inconsolable; even a promise from Bucky would not have sufficed. There was far too great a chance that you are going to lose Luca to Bucky. But you don’t know when...

In preparation for the talk with Bucky, you arrange for your parents to pick Luca up from softball. They love spending time with him and offer to take him for the entire weekend, giving you a little time and space alone. You don’t speak to your parents about Bucky because of how he hurt you. According to your parents, he is considered to be enemy number one and so you want to keep the little detail as to why you need a babysitter out of the situation. 

But Bucky is a problem for later; your current problem is getting Luca ready to leave the house. ‘Luca, hurry up, you’ll be late to softball if you keep dragging your feet,’ you shout, running up the stairs towards Luca’s bedroom. Once you open the door, you’re greeted by Luca struggling to get his head through one of the sleeve holes. Stifling your laughter, you help him into the shirt before playfully rolling your eyes.

‘It’s not my fault!’ he squeals as you tickle him and then proceed to usher him out of the house. With the keys jingling in your hand, you make your way down the stairs and try to shake off just how much Luca looks like his father. Memories of going to watch Bucky play baseball flood your mind and you squeeze your eyes shut and try to ignore the constant pain.

‘Okay. Seatbelt, please,’ you command, switching on the ignition before making your way to the field. Luckily, you manage to get there with five minutes to spare, allowing for Luca to have a catch-up with some of his softball buddies. Before leaving, you watch your child bound over to the field with a wide, toothy grin and greet his friends.

Leaving the field, you decide to grab a coffee: you’ve not been sleeping very well recently but cannot afford to fall asleep and not speak to Bucky tonight. A new coffee shop opened up down the road a week or so ago and you’ve been meaning to try it but haven’t had the time. Now is the perfect time, you tell yourself, walking towards the smell of freshly roasted coffee.

You’re lost in your thoughts when you hear somebody call from across the street, ‘hey, excuse me.’ The voice is familiar, prompting you to turn around, and you see Sam smiling broadly at you. ‘It is you! I thought I recognised that face!’ Sam pulls you into a very welcome hug. You haven’t seen him since before you and Bucky broke up…

‘Sam! How are you?’ you greet him with the same enthusiasm he gave you. ‘Fuck, I’ve not seen you in, what, a decade?’ You throw your hands in the air, half surprised, and half full of glee. Holding him at arm's length, you just look at him; he has aged a little, but really, he just looks happier now.

‘Yeah? And whose fault is that?’ he teases. ‘But that doesn’t matter. It’s just nice to see you...after everything that happened. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to really keep in touch with you after it all happened. But seriously, how are you?’ 

‘I’m alright,’ you lie, forcing a smile that doesn’t meet your eyes. ‘But I am in desperate need of a coffee if you would like to join?’ Sam agrees, prompting the pair of you to walk into the shop and grab a table. ‘Coffee’s on me. What do you want?’ 

After getting your orders, you return to the table where Sam is still smiling. There is a warmth to him that you haven’t felt in a long time; the feeling of companionship, maybe. ‘Tell me what you’ve been up to,’ you ask, grinning. ‘And don’t even think about leaving out any juicy details.’

‘I’m still working at the VA,’ he says, casually, shrugging one shoulder. ‘But I’m a coordinator of the programs now. I still have my group but I also make sure that as many vets get the help that they deserve.’ You find yourself nodding as Sam speaks: he has a way with them and you’re no exception to his charm.

‘Congratulations! I had no idea,’ you say before taking a sip of your coffee. Feeling the caffeine enter your system, you let out a small sigh of satisfaction. ‘How long have you been at your current role? Ten years changes a lot and wow. I’m really happy for you, Sam.’

‘I started the coordinator’s job last month. But that’s enough about me. What is going on with you?’ Sam’s question makes your stomach sink. You tell yourself that you are not going to lie to him but you won’t go into the messy and particular details of the mess you are currently in.

‘Well, I’m mostly just looking after my son and working, honestly. Between those two things, I have little time in my life to do much else,’ you’re neither upset or resentful, but the tone in your voice leaves room to interpret some sort of longing. It’s clear that you’re withholding some information but Sam doesn’t push for it.

‘Wow, congratulations. How old is your son?’ Sam seems genuinely curious and you can’t blame him. His face morphs into one of confusion and then recognition when you tell him that Luca has just turned ten. It’s evident that he is doing the maths and joining the dots. ‘Is he-’

Cutting him off, you state, ‘yes.’ Taking another sip of your coffee, you try to buy some time before answering the next obvious question. ‘And yes, he knows. He found out on Monday.’ Sam looks stunned for a split second before returning to a neutral face.

‘As in this Monday?’ he raises his eyebrow and you simply nod. It’s hard not to feel guilty when Sam is judging you. But you remind yourself that Sam is Bucky’s friend. You met him, and became friends with him, through Bucky. And that is where his loyalties will lie. You know that. ‘Where is he now?’

‘Softball. I dropped him off and made a beeline for the coffee,’ you lift up your mug for extra emphasis. ‘Humour me; do you have a girlfriend or wife right now? Any kids of your own?’ Sam shakes his head with a chuckle and it becomes time for you to not pry.

‘Tell me; how is Bucky?’ as Sam asks, you realise that he hasn’t spoken to Bucky either. Your stomach lurches as you realise that Bucky doesn’t have anybody left, really. Steve is still in the military and Bucky is alone in his ivory tower. But you’re not able to feel much sympathy for him seeing as it is the life that he chose.

‘Pissed,’ you say with a dry chuckle before finishing off your coffee. ‘But other than that, I have no idea. I’m having dinner with him tonight but maybe you should talk to him. I genuinely have no idea how he is. Or who he is anymore.’ Your tone is light but you really do want Sam to reach out to Bucky. Maybe Sam will save him from himself.

‘Maybe,’ Sam sends you a small smile before patting the table. ‘Anyway, it was great seeing you but I’ve got to go back to work. You should keep in touch.’ You agree, handing Sam a card with your number on it. Saying your goodbyes, he gives you another strong hug before you go your separate ways.

*

The doorbell rings and you sigh: Bucky has arrived. At this moment, you’re grateful that Luca is not at home to witness the inevitable argument. It hasn’t been good for him knowing that you are not happy but you’re also incapable of pretending to be fine. It is practically impossible.

Answering the door, you’re taken aback to see Bucky wearing casual clothing. It’s something you don’t recognise anymore: he’s always photographed in expensive suits and stuffy clothing. You’re certain that his outfit costs more than your mortgage but relaxed looks good on him. 

Finding yourself staring, you clear your throat, ‘um, come in…’ Awkwardly, you shuffle back to let the door open and Bucky enters. His tall frame makes your modest home look tiny. He has always been imposing and intimidating, but you had never felt it until you saw him earlier on in the week,

‘Do you want a drink or something?’ you ask a little timidly, wanting nothing more than to escape from the entire situation. He nods and asks for water, giving you some time to go to the fridge and hide from him a little. Letting out a deep sigh, you try to calm yourself down before returning to the lion’s den. ‘Here.’

Bucky accepts the bottle and thanks you. ‘We have to talk about it,’ his voice is stern yet a little broken. Your stomach sinks once more and you’re not sure how it is still able to. It’s gut-wrenching knowing how high the stakes are. But the stakes are always high when it comes to Luca. There is nobody you would fight for more than your son.

‘We do. But I...I saw Sam today,’ you’re sombre. Prolonging the conversation will not do much but it gives you some time to prepare yourself. ‘He says that you haven’t spoken to him in a while. You guys were such good friends, what happened?’

‘Don’t act like you care about me. If you did, you would have told me about Luca,’ he scowls at you, clutching the water bottle tight in his metal arm. Anger radiates off of Bucky in waves; each of them being sent into your surroundings. ‘And don’t act like you know what’s going on with me, either.’

‘Do you really think that I didn’t want to tell you, Bucky?’ you gasp, astonished that he thinks that low of you. ‘I wanted to tell you. The moment that I found out but protecting Luca came first. And it will always come first.’

‘What did you need to protect him from?’

‘You,’ it’s said barely above a whisper but it rings loudly in your ears. It hurts to admit over and over again but the truth doesn’t change, and neither does your answer.

‘I still don’t understand. You don’t need to protect Luca from me. His father,’ you feel Bucky grow angrier and angrier. He grips the water bottle so tightly that it pops in his metal hand sending water flying across the room. ‘I thought you loved me. How could you do that to me?’

‘I did love you. And I asked myself that same question, “how could you do that to me?” every night. I still ask myself that,’ tears fall and your voice cracks. ‘But I love Luca more. I have always loved Luca more. If you asked me if I would go back in time and change everything: for us to be together again but lose Luca, I throw you out. He is the light of my life; he kept me going after you left me.’

‘I did it for the company. You know that. Why haven’t you accepted that yet?’

‘The same reason that you cannot seem to accept that I had to save Luca from you. From becoming like you,’ you cry out the last few words. The fear is far too great and far too overwhelming. It hurts you so much to tell Bucky your fear of Luca becoming like him. The way he is not.

‘I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want him to be like me. I have it all: the money, the power, the lifestyle. Why are you depriving Luca of it? You’re being selfish,’ Bucky scolds. He’s condescending and cold. ‘You’re a terrible mother, you know that? What sort of mother doesn’t want the best for her kid?’

You are so shocked and offended that you slap him in the face. ‘How dare you criticise me? I have worked my arse off to put food in his stomach and clothes on his back. Do you not hear yourself? That is the reason I’ve had to protect Luca from you. All you care about is money and power. You disgust me, Bucky.’

‘That’s rich coming from you. But you better know that I will get the court to give me full custody of Luca if you do not let me see him. I want to know my son. I deserve to know my son.’

‘Not that easily. You aren’t going to come into his life and fuck everything up. If you want to have any sort of relationship with Luca, you will do things on my terms. And, more importantly, on Luca’s terms. He is what matters in all of this and don’t you forget it,’ you start to speed up your speech in your anger. ‘And you are not going to simply groom him into being your heir. He is your son. You will treat him like it.’

‘That’s the first time you’ve called him my son,’ Bucky speaks quietly and reaches out to grab your hand before quickly retracting it. ‘I-I guess that’s fair. But I want him to stay with me over the weekends. I have a decade to catch up with him.’ Bucky stares you in the eyes and you force yourself not to flinch or look away.

‘No. Not yet. I will not let my son spend a weekend away with a stranger. We will take things slowly,’ you’re stern and Bucky doesn’t raise any resistance. ‘You can start by coming over and spending time with Luca. You will not tell him you are his father until you prove yourself to actually care about him. That you can be a reliable parent. From there, you can take him out on the weekends but he comes home to sleep.’

‘Why are you being like this?’ Bucky growls but his face softens when he sees just how hard it all is for you. ‘Fuck...okay. I understand where you are coming from. But I’m his father. I deserve to have some say in his life.’

‘No. Right now, you are a man he admires and his sperm donor. Prove yourself to be his father. I simply want the best for him and I hope that you do too. I can pick him up from my parent’s and you can spend some time with him if you’d like. I want him to have both parents in his life. He’s a good boy and he deserves a good life.’

‘I’d like that,’ Bucky smiles and squeezes your hand. You fight the urge to get away from him, and just smile back. ‘We can be a real family.’

‘We shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves, Bucky. We are taking baby steps.’

*

‘Mom! What’s Bucky doing here?’ Luca rushes to take off his shoes so that he can play with Bucky who is sat on the floor surrounded by Legos. 

‘Well, sweetheart, Bucky wanted to spend some time with you and get to know you,’ you say. Looking up, you find Bucky smiling at you. He’s grateful that you’ve given him the chance to speak to Luca but you know that it is killing him to hear Luca call him by his name.

‘Hey, buddy! Your mom told me that you like building things so I go some Lego here for you,’ Bucky smiles as Luca runs towards him and lunges towards the Millennium Falcon set.

‘Luca, what do you say, sweetheart?’ you chide at his lack of manners. You know that he’s excited but it is no excuse for him to not have any.

‘Thank you, Bucky,’ he says with a wide grin. You watch as they both open multiple boxes of Lego and pour them onto your floor. It alarms you at the sheer number of kits Bucky brought. It’s all far too much. And far too expensive, too. ‘Mom, look! There are so many pieces!’

‘I know! And you better clean them all up because if I step on a piece, it will be game over for both of you,’ you shoot a mock glare at both Luca and Bucky. Your son laughs but Bucky knows that you will hold true to that threat: Lego hurts and he went overboard with buying them.

‘I promise that I will help Luca clean it all up and not a single piece will injure your foot,’ Bucky smiles broadly at you before laughing. ‘I’m being serious, though. Because any stray Lego pieces are also a risk to my own feet.’

You watch as Luca plays with Bucky and you notice that Luca’s not building anything from the manual. He slowly builds up what seems to be an arm. Using the grey pieces from the Falcon kit, you realise that he seems to be making his own version of Bucky’s bionic arm.

‘Which edition of your arm is that Bucky?’ you point towards him. There is something so familiar yet different about his new appendage and you see Luca inspect it further as Bucky lifts it in the air.

‘It’s a new prototype. I’m starting to test it out now. What do you think of it, Luca?’ Bucky smiles down at the boy who is in absolute awe of it. ‘The design hasn’t changed much; at least not for me. Some people really like the realistic-looking ones but I’ve always preferred the metal look. And I remember that you did, too.’

‘Wait! Mom, did you know Bucky before?’ Luca looks towards you in amazement. He is more than intrigued by Bucky and you’re aware of it. You flash a look of help towards Bucky who tries to console you from across the room.

‘Yes I did, baby. We knew each other a long, long time ago,’ your answer doesn’t seem to satisfy Luca’s curiosity. ‘I knew Bucky before you were born, Luca.’


	6. s i x

After Bucky’s first visit, he is all Luca is able to speak about. You’re unable to deny that his eyes light up every time there is a chance for Luca to speak about Bucky. ‘Mom, Bucky let me hold his arm!’ Luca repeats to you once more. As much as your heart sinks at the feeling of losing your son to Bucky.

‘That’s great, baby,’ you try to muster the most enthusiastic voice you have before forcing out a small smile. ‘Can you go and get ready for bed, please?’ Letting out a small sound of protest, Luca runs up the stairs to get changed and to brush his teeth. 

It’s inevitable that it is going to get more and more difficult as Luca grows up. You can only hope that he doesn’t grow into a mini Bucky. It’s even more of an issue seeing as Bucky has consolidated himself as Luca’s role model. Hearing the tap run upstairs, you smile softly to yourself. At least he is still listening to you.

Grabbing a bottle of wine from the fridge, you pour yourself a glass and settle onto the sofa. A deep sigh leaves your mouth as you realise that you’ve done nothing for yourself for a decade. You’ve barely seen your friends, let alone go on a date. It’s finally getting to you. Maybe it’s Bucky’s reintroduction into your life that has caused the realisation.

Taking a sip of the alcohol, you sink back, letting your body melt into the sofa. With your eyes shut, you try to remember what it was like when life was bliss. As much as Luca brings light into your life, there is a sense of hollowness. Of something missing. 

Your moment of quiet contemplation is broken when Luca runs down the stairs dressed in his pyjamas. ‘Mom, can you tuck me in?’ Luca stares at you from the door with wide eyes and you slowly get up, placing your wine down on the table. Nodding, you prompt Luca to get into bed so you can tuck him in.

Once you get to his bedroom, you realise that something is not right with Luca. He looks like he wants to ask you something but doesn’t know how to. ‘How come you want me to tuck you in tonight? You haven’t wanted me to do that in years,’ you tread softly in case something is wrong.

‘It’s nothing really. Bucky said that I am so lucky to have you when I told him that you don’t tuck me in anymore,’ Luca explains as you tuck his blanket around his body. ‘And he asked me why. I told him it’s because I’m a big boy but he said that I should ask you.’

‘Good night, sweetheart,’ you kiss Luca on the head before switching off the light and closing the door. Once you’re on the other side, you allow yourself to let a few tears fall. It takes a few shaky breaths before you’re able to go back to your wine. That dull, painful emptiness you’ve been feeling has only been amplified by Luca’s admission. Maybe you really are losing Luca to Bucky.

Your thoughts make the wine feel unappealing prompting you to pour it down the sink and watch it drain away. 

*

The office is eerily quiet: nobody seems to be talking and the phones, which usually never stop ringing, are silent. Looking around, you see Amanda leave her office once she spots you. Preparing for the worst, you take a deep breath and place your bag underneath your desk.

‘Hey, I’m so sorry but I really need you to stay late tonight. A meeting with Buchanan Bionics has come up and you were specifically requested to be there,’ Amanda looks at you guiltily. ‘I’m so sorry to spring it onto you so suddenly. We’ve been swamped and everyone has their head down today trying to get everything done in time.’

‘What about Luca?’ you just about stumble out the words seeing as you’re so astonished. Anger flares inside of your stomach; Bucky must know that you would need somebody to look after your son. His son, even. ‘I have to pick him up from school and look after him. I haven’t had any time to arrange anything.’

‘Look, I’m really sorry but there was nothing I could do. You can leave to pick Luca up but you have to come back for the meeting,’ Amanda gives you a soft smile before walking back into her office. Watching her fleeting figure, viterol boils in your body and you make your own way back to your desk. Grabbing your phone, you think about who would be able to look after Luca.

Your parents are busy so you know that there is no way for you to ask them for help. The only contact that stands out on your phone is Sam. With your finger hovering over his name and a guilty feeling in your stomach, you hit the call button. It rings a few times before Sam picks up.

‘Hey,’ you can practically hear Sam smiling. It’s a little ridiculous that it brings a small smile onto your own face. ‘Is everything alright?’ There is something about his concern that makes you feel cared for. It’s a feeling you are not used to. It feels foreign and unknown after all of those years.

‘I’m so sorry to spring this onto you, Sam, but I really need someone to look after Luca and you’re the only person I can think of,’ you feel so terrible for only asking Sam for a favour. ‘I know it’s such a shitty thing for me to just ask for a favour but I’ve been called into a meeting tonight that I can’t get out of and Luca can’t be left alone.’

‘Don’t sweat it. I finish work at four,’ Sam responds. You let out a sigh of relief and thank him, giving him the details and your address. At least Amanda is allowing you the time to pick Luca up so you will be able to explain to him what is going on and who Sam is.

Now that your babysitting issue has been taken care of, you have to get back to work. It fills you with dread and horror knowing that your job is partly contingent on Bucky. The amount of power he has over you makes your stomach turn. Never did you think that he would have that much over you.

*

‘How was school?’ Luca walks in front of you, racing to the car. You shake your head knowing that he probably has to go to the toilet so you unlock the car from across the road. Luca clambers in and shouts at you to hurry up. You can tell that you will need to rush home for him to use a toilet.

Once you get into the car, Luca rushes you once more. ‘School was good, mom, but I really can’t talk right now. I really need to pee.’ Luca throws you an alarmed look prompting you to hit the accelerator. It doesn’t take long for you to get home and once you do, Luca rushes out and squirms once you unlock the door.

Luca runs straight to the toilet as you grab a bottle of water and some fruit for him. ‘Luca, sweetheart, I have to talk to you about something after.’ You’re chopping up some apples, preparing a fruit salad, and pinching a few cubes for yourself. The sweet fruit contrasts the bitter taste that has lingered in your mouth the whole day.

‘What is it, mom?’ Luca sits at the island. His sleeves are wet from washing his hands. ‘Is everything okay? Am I still allowed to see Bucky?’ Alarm rings through Luca’s mind; it’s evident. You quickly console him before telling Luca about Sam. It doesn’t take long before he arrives at your door and you introduce your son to your friend. 

Luca takes an instant liking to Sam. It doesn’t surprise you: everybody takes an instant liking to Sam. ‘Thank you so much,’ you smile and hug the older man. ‘I owe you so much. Seriously, Sam. You’re a lifesaver. I can’t thank you enough. I left some money on the table for pizza and there is wine in the fridge if you want any.’

‘You don’t have to thank me,’ Sam chuckles. ‘It’s nice to finally meet Luca. The more you speak about him, the more I was certain that he was a great kid. And I was right. He’s really smart.’

You can’t help but nod at Sam’s statement. ‘You’ve done a good job with him.’ Sam continues with a soft voice. Your eyes well up a little, feeling a flutter in your heart. It has been a long time since you’ve felt anything of that nature but you can’t deny that it feels good. 

‘Thank you. I mean it,’ you hug Sam once more. ‘I’m so sorry but I really need to head back to the office now.’ Kissing Luca’s head, you make your way to your car before making an anxious journey back to the office. You don’t want to be in a confined space with Bucky. In fact, it fills you with dread.

It feels as if the universe is trying to make up a decade worth of interactions between the two of you. It’s a cruel trick considering you find co-parenting more than painful enough. Nothing seems to be going well in your life. Maybe you fucked up your karma when you decided not to tell Bucky.

*

| 2009 | parkchester, new york | 

*

‘Buck,’ you call out. Ever since the deal was finalised, Bucky has been a lot busier and more absent. You don’t want to be angry with him since it’s such a big achievement. Only you miss him. ‘Bucky, dinner is ready.’ You call out once more before ladling pasta onto the plate.

When Bucky fails to respond, you make your way to the bedroom. The sight in front of you is confusing. Maybe he forgot to tell you about a business meeting. That is the only reason you can think of. ‘Buck?’ your eyebrows furrow in confusion and it takes a few seconds before your boyfriend looks at you. ‘What is it, Buck?’

‘I’m leaving,’ his words are sudden and cold. It makes no sense to you; you’re not even able to comprehend his words. They’re not words you ever expected to hear. The pain doesn’t hit you instantly. You just don’t understand his words. 

‘What? I don’t understand, Bucky, when are you coming back? What is going on?’ your voice gets higher and higher the more that your confusion grows. It’s impossible for you to understand the sudden change. Why is Bucky leaving?

‘What don’t you understand?’ he sneers. ‘I’m leaving. I can’t be with you anymore. I have the business to take care of. You’re a distraction. A waste of time. A liability. I don’t see myself with you. I don’t see a future with you. I’m leaving.’

A gasp escapes your lips, only it sounds more like a broken cry. Pain burns through you. His words are like poison that spreads through your veins. ‘I don’t understand…’ Bucky ignores you and continues to pack. Once he’s done, he just walks away without even looking back at you. And you don’t have the energy to fight for him to come back.


	7. s e v e n

*

| 2010 | parkchester, new york |

*

‘You’re pregnant,’ the doctor hands you the test results and your world feels like it has been turned upside down. She gives you a small smile once she realises that you’re horrified by the concept. ’Is the father in the picture?’

A small sob escapes your lips and you shake your head. Your head hangs low and you feel horrible. The wound of Bucky leaving is still fresh. You’re hurt to say the least; it feels as if you have no way of escaping him. Every time you step into your home you’re haunted by Bucky. 

It’s almost as if your life is even more consumed by his existence than when you were together. At least when you were together, he was real. Only, now, he’s nothing more than a mere figment of your imagination. Every part of you hopes that everything will be fine and fixed again and Bucky will come back home.

You hope that everything will be back to normal and Bucky will be a part of your family with the baby. Your baby. ‘Is everything okay? I know that it is a big shock but there are options available for you if you are not able to look after the baby,’ the doctor looks at you with kind eyes before taking your hand and squeezing it in comfort.

‘I-I don’t know…’ your voice trails off as you turn to grab your coat. ‘I think I’m going to go now. I just need some time to think and I don’t really know what to think.’ Tears blur your vision and it feels like you’re drunk. The whole room was spinning and it’s debilitating. 

‘I know that it is a lot to take in but we can speak about the options now or I can book you in for another appointment when you’re feeling a little better and we can talk about it all then,’ the doctor holds your hand once more and keeps you sitting. Her voice is soft as she tries to stop you from leaving. You’re in no fit state to go anywhere but you can’t stay. The reality of your situation is suffocating and you’re unsure as to what to do to stop it.

The room continues to spin as the weight of the world settles upon your shoulders. All you’re able to think about is how Bucky has left you...yet he has also left something. A part of him with you. His child. The idea makes you sick: what if the baby turns out to be just like him? Cruel? 

*

Returning to the office, you’re flustered. Too much has happened in the past few hours for you to truly comprehend the gravity of your situation. What’s worse is that you don’t know how Bucky will deal with the fact that you’ve entrusted Luca with another man; even if it is with Sam… You don’t think that Bucky would be happy about the entire situation, especially after how much resistance you posed to him spending time with his own son.

Walking into the lion’s den, Samantha gives you a heads up that Bucky is already in the meeting room with a few of his team. And they’re all livid that you’re late. Checking your phone, you see that you’re actually ten minutes early… Fuck. He really wants to ruin your life, that much is evident. 

‘Mr Barnes, I am sorry about the wait,’ Samantha pulls a strained smile as the pair of you enter the room. It feels as if you’re entering your execution and it’s terrifying. You thought that Bucky finding out about Luca was bad but this is something else. He has control over your entire life now.

If you lose your job, you will certainly lose custody of Luca. It seems as if with every step forward you take, two are taken backwards. ‘I don’t expect people to be late. Especially when it is the first time that I have been able to meet you all personally. 

You swallow an angry lump not wanting to air your dirty laundry in front of your boss. ‘I apologise, Mr Barnes, I had to find a person to look after my son; I usually work from home after picking him up from school.’ Bucky simply cocks his eyebrow and you know that he wants to know who has Luca. 

A part of you wants to tell Bucky to anger him but another part of you does not want to provoke him. The last time you did that, he threatened to take Luca from you. It’s one of the worst things about the entire situation. You’re almost a hostage to Bucky. It hurts you knowing that you’ve fought for so long to be free from his grasp and yet you’ve been lured back in. And this time you have no way to escape him. 

‘I am not paying this company for excuses. I pay you for results and you’ve not been able to provide me with any result so far,’ Bucky sneers. Your heart sinks and it feels disgusting seeing as Bucky is the reason that you’re in this situation anyway. He knows that you have Luca and you’re certain that he is doing something that will taunt you. It seems to be the only thing that he wants.

‘I apologise Mr Barnes. It takes a while for an advertisement to be created and we need to do some more market research before we are able to put something together that will be up to your standard,’ Samantha tries to soothe, speaking with a dulcet tone and shoots a quick look to you.

Knowing Bucky, you’re certain that he sees it. He doesn’t miss a thing like that; it wasn’t even just a thing from the military. He had always been razor-sharp. And that has always been to your dismay. ‘Need I remind you about just how much money I am spending on your company?’ Bucky snarls. ‘I can, and should, find another company that is competent enough to have their team on time at the very least.’

You wish that he does find another company. That would keep you sane. Minimising the time you spend with Bucky is going to be the most important thing for your own health. Looking away from Bucky, you quickly check your phone and see a message from Sam: it’s a selfie with Luca. They both have toothy grins and you feel yourself involuntarily smile.

*

Once the meeting is over, you rush to pack up your belongings but Bucky asks you to stay in the meeting room. He glares at Samantha, prompting her to leave, before he lets out a dry chuckle. ‘Where’s Luca?’ He's cold and horrible. It confuses you just how much and how quickly he can change. Over the weekend, he was kind, but today he is cruel. 

‘He’s at home,’ you brush him off, not really wanting to speak. But also, you want to go home and relieve Sam of his babysitting duties. It’s funny just how well Luca has taken to him, but there were no doubts in your mind that it would happen. Sam is one of the best people you know…

‘Who’s looking after him?’ Bucky starts to interrogate you. A part of you feels sick: he thinks that you’re a bad mother. He’s questioning who is looking after your son. It has nothing to do with you...not really. You’re aware that Bucky is angry and he feels inadequate. After a decade of not knowing his son, he has a lot to make up for.

‘Why does it matter to you?’ you snip back, tilting your head up a little. ‘It’s not like you gave a shit about Luca when you decided to call a meeting with me specifically and after school. You do not get to take the moral high-ground with me right now, Bucky. This is your fault.’

‘You didn’t answer my question,’ he says in a low tone, making you swallow a lump in your throat. Looking out of the door, you see Samatha looking in with concern heavily etched on her face. ‘Luca is my son and I am entitled to know who is looking after him.’

‘Yeah? You care so much about his well being, don’t you?’ you sarcastically quip. ‘It’s not like you gave me plenty of time to find someone to look after him. Luckily, I have friends and one of them is currently looking after him. Don’t worry, I know that you would approve.’

‘Then fucking tell me,’ he demands, clenching his metal fist and you let out a shaky sneer. You’re not his puppet. You are the woman he scorned and he is yet to pay his debts. ‘Why do I constantly need to remind you that Luca is my son too? Are you a fucking goldfish or something?’

‘Don’t you start with me. Every time I look at him, I am reminded of you. For ten years I looked after Luca: bathed him; clothed him; loved him; fed him; I did everything. But don’t you ever think that I forgot about you. Every time I close my eyes I replay the moment you left me. The moment I found out that I was pregnant. All of it…’

‘So you’re aware that he’s my son,’ Bucky tries to respond with a cruel tone but it’s gotten softer. Like you have finally gotten through to him. ‘Who is looking after him?’

‘Sam,’ you say, slinging your bag over your shoulder and pushing past Bucky to make your way home. He lets you walk out without saying a thing and you’re not sure if that hurts more or less. Nothing makes sense to you anymore. All you’re certain of is your love for Luca.

*

‘Thank you for looking after him, Sam,’ you pull him in for a long hug. Tears threaten to spill over as you find solace in the only real human contact you’ve had in years. The most intimate...you guess. It’s difficult to really understand just how lonely you are. 

‘It’s a pleasure,’ Sam says, smiling with warm eyes. ‘He loves Bucky. Luca can’t stop talking about him.’ Sam watches as your face falls. There’s no other way for you to react. Not really. Not that you know of. 

‘Yeah...but seriously. Thank you,’ once more, you hug Sam. Only this time you relish in the feeling of his warmth and his muscles. Your brain tells you to snap out of it but the feeling of affection is far too great a lure. It makes you feel so good...and wanted. 

Your body is misconstruing his kindness and friendship, you’re aware of that. It has just been too long. And too painful. A knock on the door brings you out of the embrace and your heart sinks. It’s very clearly going to be Bucky at the door; there is nobody else you can think it will be.

To nobody’s surprise, he’s standing in front of you looking livid. Luca runs over to Bucky almost instantly. You’re pretty sure that your son has a radar or something. ‘Bucky!’ Luca screeches as he hugs his father. Bucky glares at both you and Sam before putting Luca down and asking him to play in his room.

He says something along the lines of the adults needing to speak to each other. ‘Why are you here, Bucky?’ You’re exhausted. You’re tired of arguing, of seeing him. You’re tired of everything. ‘I thought that we agreed on the weekends for now.’

‘Sam,’ Bucky states. There’s no emotion in his voice at all. It’s like this new Bucky is completely devoid of all feelings and memories of the past. Or at least that is what you think considering you have no evidence otherwise. ‘It’s been a long time…’

The silence is then deafening. Something must have gone down between the two of them that you’re not aware of but now it’s killing you. You need to know. You need to understand why there is hostility in the air. ‘I guess it has been. Who’s fault was that, though?’

‘Let’s not talk about this here,’ Bucky demands and your eyebrows shoot up in confusion. ‘But until then, stay away from my family.’ You let out a little gasp at Bucky’s threat. How dare he? His family? You don’t understand.

‘What family, Bucky? You do not get to dictate who gets to see Luca and who doesn’t,’ you hiss, trying to be mindful of Luca upstairs. ‘Can you explain what is going on? Sam?’ You turn to the man with pleading eyes and from the corner of your eye, you see Bucky tense up. He’s fuming.


	8. e i g h t

You decide that the only way for Bucky to understand just how much he fucked you over when he left is to show him the collection of broken hearts he left in his wake. It is the only way you think that he will be able to understand the lasting damage he has left you. And you want him to see just how much Luca has missed, too. 

The little blue box has a place on top of your wardrobe where it is protected from the world. It contains memories. Ones that you made with Luca from the moment you knew about his existence. Wiping the dust from the top, you open the way one would unravel a sacred scroll. 

The lid is still tight: you try not to open it particularly often. It has a way of taking you back to the past and the past has been completely decimated by your memories of Bucky. Each item is one where you wished Bucky was there for. Luca’s first steps. His first words. All of it...

It is as if Pandora’s box has been opened; once the lid is off, you’re flooded with the sight of Luca’s baby socks, his baby teeth, and a whole array of trinkets and sentimental items you’ve collected over the past decade. They’re things Luca doesn’t even know that you’ve kept. But they all remind you of a happier time. One where Bucky was not trying to take your son away.

Holding onto the base tightly, your fingers start to go a little weak. You’re not able to take anything out. Instead, you simply hold the box in trembling hands and watch as it gently shakes. It makes no sense to you why Bucky still has such an effect on you. Sure, he’s the father of your son but before that, he was so much more.

But he’s nothing to you now. And that is what confuses you. Why does he have such a hold over your heart? And why do you find yourself starting to like Sam? The feelings are confusing; it’s like you want something to happen for you. You want your own piece of happiness but you don’t know how to. Do you want Sam? Do you want Bucky back? You don’t know and it’s frustrating.

It’s the kind of frustrating where you’re unaware of what to do. There’s no physical element to your frustration; it’s all mental and so you’re unable to do anything about it. You want to scream and screech and curse the fucking universe but every sound is trapped in your throat. You want to cry but the tears are already dry in the back of your eyes. There’s nothing you can do but live on the sheer nostalgia and the memories of Luca as a baby.

*

| 2010 | parkchester, new york |

*

Peeling the plastic wrapping off of the box, you’re faced with an empty vastness for you to start a bank of memories. The first thing you put into it is safely secured in a ziplock bag: the little pregnancy test you took after you found out you were pregnant takes a new home in the memory box. It sits there, surrounded by empty space and you realise that soon it will be filled with other clutter and all of the memories that come with it.

Whilst your apartment feels empty and barren without Bucky, it is far too small for a baby to live here too...at least if you are going to keep it. A part of you wants to do so, more than anything in the world, as it is a part of Bucky you can keep with you forever. Only, you’re not entirely sure if you will be able to keep him with you without harbouring all of the pain he has put you through.

You tell yourself that it is only the right thing to do to tell Bucky. But you don’t know how to. You draft numerous unsent texts: some of which beg for Bucky to call you whilst others simply say that you’re pregnant. None of them are good enough for the baby growing inside of you.

You settle for calling Bucky but after two dial tones, you cut off the call and throw your phone on the bed. Feeling nauseous, you run to the bathroom and cry as your stomach heaves. Why is everything so difficult? You don’t even want to think about work and paying rent...or telling your family. There is just too much that you are forced to deal with. Things that you don’t want to deal with.

*

The contents of the box knock the wind from your body. You barely look in it, scared that you will still feel a pang of pain that Bucky was not there for any of those moments. Luca’s fair pair of shoes are in there and they’re so tiny that they bring tears to your eyes. 

It is impossible for you to fathom that, at one point, he was so small that your little boy was able to fit into them. It elicits even more emotion when you realise that they were too big for him for the first few months. There’s a strong stabbing feeling in your chest, reliving these moments.

As much as you shouldn’t feel like this, you can’t help but imagine how Bucky would have reacted to seeing Luca stumble through his first few steps or how he would tear the world apart at the mere thought of him crying. That is all you’re able to think about: how good of a father Bucky would have been.

He would have been a different type of father than he is now; he’d be one that actually gave a shit about his kid. But there’s a deep, nagging feeling that Bucky is only invested in Luca so that he has a person to carry his legacy once he passes. As bitter of a pill it is to swallow, you don’t believe that Bucky cares about you. Not really.   
At one point in time, he may have cared about you but those years blurred into one another and is only leaving you with more confusion. Maybe you can attribute it to the fog of growing older or the passing of time. Or worse, the fact that you know that deep down he never did care for you. But you’re not sure. 

Only James Buchanan Barnes has the power to confuse you over and over again. He is the only person that has ever been able to make your stomach turn with anxiety and sadness to replace them with butterflies. And then he starts that cycle all over again. Only now, there are no butterflies. The only thing you feel towards him is animosity. It’s hard not to after everything he has done. And everything he is continuing to do.

You send Bucky a text, inviting him over as soon as possible. He responds instantly, telling you that he’s about an hour away and your hands tremble at the reality. You will have to confront him about everything. You deserve an answer. Some closure. But you know that the world owes you nothing.

But Bucky Barnes does. He knows it just as much as you do. 

*

He arrives at your house dressed in a suit and you feel your heart squeeze. It used to be so foreign seeing him in a suit but now it seems to be a part of him. His metal arm is hidden under his blazer but the glimmer of his metal hand peeks out and it reminds you a little of when you were going to pitch Buchanan Bionics.

‘Did something happen to Luca?’ Bucky’s voice is concerned but his face is stoic. You shake your head in response and step back to let him into the house. ‘Then why am I here?’ You notice how his voice and his body tenses at the thought that you’ve tricked him. But you didn’t.

‘I wanted to talk…’ you play with your fingers, looking down as you walk to the living room. ‘Can I get you something to drink?’ Bucky simply shakes his head with his jaw tensed, prompting you to continue speaking. He wants an explanation, you know that much but the situation is terrifying. 

‘You see that box in front of you?’ You gesture to the pale blue box and Bucky nods once, slowly, his eyes never leaving yours. ‘Look through it: there are memories that you missed. Bits of Luca’s life you were not here for. I want you to see what you missed in his life. Momentous occasions you didn’t get to witness because…’ your voice trails off as the pain hitches in your throat.

It feels like a mistake. It is all too overwhelming and Bucky doesn’t move. He just watches you with soft eyes. It’s like he’s a ghost of himself; only a glimmer of the man you once loved is in front of you. ‘Things you missed when you left. I will talk you through the items in there if you would like.’

‘Yes, I’d like that,’ Bucky’s voice is so soft that you struggle to hear him. He’s so gentle right now that you don’t know who is in front of you. ‘Thank you.’ You nod in response, tears falling down your face and the first thing that Bucky reaches for is the little tag on Luca’s leg once he was born.

‘He was tiny,’ you whisper. The whole moment is so intimate. ‘I remember the first time I saw him; it was like the whole world had changed. I had to protect him at all costs.’ 

‘I’m sorry that I wasn’t there,’ Bucky crosses the room and sits beside you. Pulling you into his body, he holds you as you cry. All of those years you had to hold it in was finally enough; you cry and cry, letting it all out. ‘I’m sorry for all of it. I’m sorry for leaving. I wish I could tell you why I did that. I wish I could tell you why I’m such an asshole right now but I can’t. All I can say is that I’m sorry,’

‘Give me something,’ you beg, whispering into his chest. ‘Tell me what you left me. Tell me why you broke my heart. Tell me why you’re hurting me now. Why are you threatening to take Luca away from me?’ You’re a broken and desperate woman. You’ve been strong for so long; fought for so long. And now it is time for you to find some sort of peace.

‘I...I couldn’t do it,’ Bucky wipes his face with a rough hand. ‘It was all too much. I loved-fuck. I still love you and I was so fucking scared. What if I fucked up the company and you didn’t love me anymore? What if I wasn’t good enough? I couldn’t stay and find out...I’m sorry.’

‘Then why come back into my life and try to fuck it up?’  
‘Because I’m selfish and I was angry. Seeing you with Luca made my blood boil and I wanted to hurt you,’ Bucky starts to explain. ‘I got to see the life that I could have had when you dropped Luca off and gave him a kiss on the head. I didn’t know if he was mine until I saw him up close and there was no way he wasn’t mine. I was just so angry that I didn’t know. I’m sorry. How can I fix this?’

Bucky’s rambling is simply jumbled in your mind. His words feel slow and your head feels heavy as your heart strains. ‘You didn’t have to want to hurt me. You did enough of that ten years ago and I’ve kept it with me every second of every waking day. I can’t even look at my son without being reminded of who I don’t want him to become.’

Bucky doesn’t say anything in response. He simply holds you even closer to his body and you feel his warmth radiate into your body. You both sit like that for a few moments before he wipes away your tears with the pad of his thumb. ‘How can I make it up to the both of you?’

‘Start by being in Luca’s life,’ you state. It’s a fact. You want him to have a relationship with Luca. ‘I want to let him know who you really are. But I need you to actually love him. He’s not your heir. He’s your son.’

Bucky nods. ‘Where is he?’ 

‘Softball practice,’ you say, licking your chapped lips. ‘I-no, we will need to pick him up in about an hour.’ Bucky’s eyes light up when he hears that he will be involved. 

‘Are you sure?’ he’s hesitant, as are you. But you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. For Luca. He deserves the world and you want him to have his father involved. ‘Can I just grab a change of clothes from my car? I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want him to think that all I do is work. I have time for him. I will always have time for him. And for you.’

‘Don’t do this, Bucky,’ you plead.

‘I have always loved you. Please believe that if you don’t believe anything else that I’ve ever said. I love you.’


	9. n i n e

Bucky’s words echo heavily in your mind. After everything he has done to you, how can he still love you? It doesn’t make any sense. If anything, it leaves a heavy knot in your stomach. Uncertainty and fear boil inside of you. At least, after that conversation, he has been even more involved in Luca’s life: picking him up from softball; spending weekends together; you’ve finally let Luca spend the night at Bucky’s.

As Christmas nears, you grow uncomfortable. What if Luca wants to spend it with Bucky? What if Bucky spends it with the pair of you? The entire situation is heartbreaking. It doesn’t help that you’re spending more time with Sam; it’s nothing romantic, just friendly, but you feel yourself starting to like him…

The biggest issue is Bucky’s declaration of love. How are you meant to deal with that? Letting out a bitter scoff, you try to close your eyes and get some sleep. Ever since his pronouncement you’ve been unable to sleep: his words just play over and over in your head and with Luca away from home for the weekend, you’re left to your own devices. 

Sighing, you pull yourself out of bed and go straight to the kitchen. Maybe wine will help, you reason with yourself, popping open the cork and pouring a large glass. A sigh escapes your lips as you take your first sip, feeling the liquid stain your lips and make its way down. For a few seconds, you’re not thinking about Bucky or Luca or life. Instead, you’re focusing on the burn of alcohol.

With your glass and the rest of the bottle, in hand, you bundle yourself on the sofa with a large blanket. The warmth in your stomach grows the more you drink and your mind starts to wonder about Sam. You think about how his arms felt around you; how good it felt to be held but also how good he smells. 

Finding your courage in the alcohol, you message Sam. You’re not sure what comes over you to invite him over, but you do, and it makes you just the slightest bit giddy. 

hey, are you free right now?  
Yeah, is everything okay?  
just want you to come over if you’re free  
I’ll make my way in an hour with a bottle of wine  
you’re amazing!  
How much have you had to drink already?

Looking at the half-empty bottle, you begin to giggle. It’s so much that your hands are weak to the point that you're unable to type until you calm down. Your fingers are still unsteady as you begin to type, the screen just a little blurry as you try and get the message sent.

about half a bottle…  
Right, I’ll hurry up before you’re too drunk to remember who I am  
promise that won’t be an issue

Unsure as to where the courage has come from, you rush up to your room and slip on something a little more uncomfortable. With some lace adorning your body, you cover up with an oversized jumper right when Sam arrives at your door. 

As you let him in, you grab him a wine glass from the kitchen. ‘Hey,’ you smile, hiding your face a little. It’s almost as if you are a schoolgirl again. You hug him and feel your heart flutter just a little at his touch.

‘Hey, you,’ Sam laughs. ‘Are you alright?’ 

‘Yeah, I wish you would stop asking me that. Come, sit,’ you usher him to the sofa. ‘Just wanted to spend some time without the general tension of Bucky.’ You let out a small laugh, uncomfortable at the fact that you fancy Sam. And that he’s Bucky’s former best friend…

‘So, what you’re telling me is that you felt a little lonely and you want me to soothe it,’ Sam jokes, pulling you in for a side-hug. You don’t pull away, instead, you stay in his arms for a few moments and you’re almost certain that he feels it too. ‘Ah, so I’m right.’

You nod your head and only briefly move away from his embrace to grab the wine and pour him a glass. ‘Well, you’re an alright person to spend my Saturday night with,’ you joke back. It’s strange to feel yourself really smile; it’s one that meets the eye and that has not been the case in a long time. ‘I’d far prefer spending the evening with Steve, honestly.’

‘You’ve got no idea how good it is to spend time with you again,’ Sam sighs, no doubt referring to how life used to be. Back when everything was good-before he, Bucky, and Steve went into the military. It was a long time ago. So long ago that you’re not even sure if what you remember from it is real or not.

It has been a long time since you have been happy. Since you’ve been able to feel as young as you are. The last ten years really took a toll on you and it’s evident in you now. People have said that your eyes are sad. They radiate loneliness. And that’s the reason you work so much, so hard. You work hard for Luca, too.

‘Yeah, it’s been too long. I really wish that we stayed in contact after everything…’ your voice trails off and you sigh. ‘After everything happened.’ A few memories of Luca as a baby pop into your mind. You remember just how much you had struggled to make ends meet: to ensure that Luca always had a roof over his head; food in his stomach; clothes on his back. 

‘Tell me about it. I’ve missed you.’ Sam holds you closer after you top up the pair of your glasses. You cheers to that. It really has been too long. Time has passed so quickly, yet so slowly. You’re not even sure when the last time you had that chance to just unwind was.

‘What happened?’ You’re not sure which part you’re referring to: his friendship with Bucky; his relationship with Natasha; why he quit the army. Maybe you’re asking about all of it. You’re not entirely sure.

‘Where should I start?’ Sam sighs, putting his head in his hands. ‘You want to know about Bucky, don’t you?’ 

You stiffen up and it’s enough of an answer for Sam to continue talking. Silencing your phone, you give Sam your full attention. It is in this moment that you realise that you can have the answers that you’ve longed for. But it all depends on if you’re brave enough to ask for them.

‘I’m not sure how much you know, but there’s a lot. It’s not nice, and it doesn’t look good for anybody involved.’ You feel your heart sink as he starts to speak and you don’t know where it is going to go, or what is going to happen. ‘It has to do with you and Bucky…’

Recoiling from Sam, you shoot up and look at him with fear evident in your eyes. ‘Do I want to know?’ you whisper. Even with the wine, you’re still uneasy. Instead of sipping on the wine, you take a few large gulps before refilling the glass. It almost feels as if Sam is about to shatter the illusion.

‘I don’t know,’ he whispers in response. ‘But it has killed me not telling you all those years ago.’ Sam’s voice cracks and you feel a shudder go down your spine. Whatever he is going to tell you is not going to be good; that much is evident. Taking another gulp of wine, you hope that it will calm you, but it doesn’t. That prompts you to fill up your glass and Sam’s.

‘What is it?’ 

‘Fuck,’ he hisses, looking down at his hands. ‘It’s such a shit situation and I’m not sure if it would be better if you don’t know. Especially now that things are getting better between the two of you. I don’t want to fuck anything up. Maybe I shouldn’t have drunk so much.’

‘No, it’s not your fault,’ you soothe. ‘No matter what you say, it’s me that asked. You’re not to blame in any of this.’ You squeeze Sam’s hand and he takes a large gulp of wine. You look him in the eyes and he just stares back. It’s not in your head; you feel something between you before he breaks the contact.

Staring at his hands, Sam sighs. ‘I’m so sorry,’ his voice is pained and the anxiety grows inside of you. ‘I told Bucky that if he didn’t break up with you…’

Your heart races; you can’t believe that you’re hearing. Sam had a hand in Bucky leaving you. ‘Do I want to fucking know?’ your teeth are clenched unintentionally. It feels like a stone has been dropped into your stomach and it’s just there weighing you down.

‘You have the right to know, but I am not going to make that decision for you,’ Sam looks heavy with guilt and you simply nod to encourage him to tell you the story. ‘When I found out, I confronted him. I told him that it wasn’t fair to you and he had to come clean and end it with you, or I would tell you. I didn’t know that he didn’t tell you the reason…’

‘What did you find out?’

‘He had a baby.’

The silence is deafening. You feel completely numb like Sam did not just drop a bombshell on you. You aren’t able to comprehend it. Nothing feels real; the only thing keeping you in the situation is the world spinning. Sam reaches out to hold your arms but you can’t feel it. You’re only aware of it because you can see his hand.

‘What?’

Tears roll down your face and you shake your head in denial. This can’t be real. He wouldn’t do that to you. Bucky loves you...or so he says. Even after all this time. It doesn’t make sense how Bucky can cause you this much pain. Whilst your head feels numb, your heart burns. It feels like you have been set alight and must try to survive.

‘H-he had a son,’ Sam whispers, pulling you to his body.

‘Had?’ you sob. It’s hard to understand what is going on. ‘You’re not making any sense.’

‘He was born a few weeks after Bucky left...and then he died a few months after that.’

‘How did you find out? Why didn’t you tell me? You’re supposed to be my friend, Sam!’ you scream into his chest and Sam just pulls you closer, trying to soothe you. He only pulls away briefly to take the wine glass from your hand and set it aside. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I found out by accident. I saw Bucky with her, holding her hand in Central Park,’ Sam begins, holding you tightly. ‘That evening, I confronted him and told him that if he didn’t come clean with you, I would. I thought he told you everything and then left. I didn’t know until far later that he didn’t tell you about the baby.’

‘What happened to him?’

‘Car accident. Five-car pileup on the freeway…’

‘Did you stay in contact with Bucky after...after what he did to me?’ Your voice is quiet like you don’t know what to say, but also because it’s muffled by Sam’s chest. 

‘No,’ he whispers into your hair. ‘Bucky cut me off for apparently trying to ruin his life. I found out when I saw her picture on the news. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’

You pull away from Sam’s embrace to look him in the eyes. Tears fall down your face and your eyes are red but you need him to see you. ‘I know that you aren’t in the wrong but I am hurt right now. Not really at you, but I feel like you’re the only person in front of me and you knew something I didn’t.’

‘I wish that I didn’t wait a decade to tell you,’ he sighs, rubbing his face. ‘If I could go back in time and fix that, I would.’

‘You weren’t the one that cheated on me,’ you pull him close. ‘I can’t believe that I didn’t know. I’m so stupid.’

Sam continues to comfort you and that spark you saw before is back, he stares deep into your eyes. It is as if he is looking into your soul to fix you from within. It feels right to look into his eyes, too. You see the guilt he feels for not telling you and you just learn forward, eyes closed, until his lips meet yours.

He deepens the kiss briefly before pulling away. ‘I- We shouldn’t do this. Not right now,’ Sam stutters as your face falls. He cups your face, forcing you to look at him and he continues to speak with a soft voice. ‘It’s not because I don’t want to. It’s that you’re drunk and you’ve had some terrible news. I don’t want to take advantage of you.’

‘Mommy, why are you crying?’ you hear a scream from the door and you break away from Sam to see Bucky and Luca standing there. Wiping your tears with your sleeve, you try to play it off but Bucky is fuming behind your son. ‘Hi, Uncle Sam!’

‘Luca, sweetie, I’m okay,’ you smile, faking a happy voice. ‘Why are you back right now?’

‘Bucky called you lots of times and you didn’t pick up so we came home to check you’re okay.’

‘I’m fine, baby. Can you go upstairs and brush your teeth, please?’ Luca nods his head and runs up to the bathroom as Bucky crosses his arms over his chest, his cheeks red from anger before he takes a few strides, crossing the living room.

‘We called and called to see if you’re okay but you’re too busy playing date night with Sam to fucking answer a call from your son,’ Bucky hisses, the venom clearly seeping into each and every one of his words. ‘Mother of the year, you are.’

‘Don’t you dare talk to me about parenting,’ you bite back. ‘Tell me about your son.’

‘Luca is upstairs. He is your son too, in case you didn’t remember.’

‘Tell me about your other one.’


	10. t e n

‘I don’t know what you are talking about,’ Bucky is giving you a clear warning but you don’t care. Now that the cat is out of the bag, you need to know just how much he is hiding from you. Bucky turns to Sam, glaring. ‘I think it’s best for you to leave.’

‘She had a right to know,’ Sam states, standing up to face Bucky. ‘I’m not going anywhere. You can’t be trusted in this state.’ You can’t help but notice how disgusted Sam looks at Bucky. 

Unbeknownst to you, you’re trembling and tears fall down your face. All you can think about is Luca: what are you going to tell him? Is he going to hear the argument going on downstairs? Looking at Sam, you touch his arm gently, but you don’t miss how Bucky’s jaw clenches. ‘Please can you take Luca for a bit so me and Bucky can have a talk?’

‘No, he’s not taking my son anywhere,’ Bucky protests, his metal hand clenched into a fist. ‘Just because you’re fucking him, it doesn’t mean that he can take my son.’

‘First of all, Sam and I aren’t sleeping together, not that it’s any of your business,’ you hiss, putting a hand up to warn Bucky to be quiet. ‘Secondly, we need to talk about this. I don’t give a flying fuck if you don’t want to or not, we are going to, and I don’t want Luca to hear about it.’

Turning away from Bucky, Sam looks at you. He studies your face before he starts to speak. ‘I’ll take Luca back to mine. Call me later, okay. I want to make sure that you’re okay.’ You nod in response as Sam goes to check on Luca. 

You stare at Bucky, not once breaking eye contact. The burning in your heart is undeniable but you don’t know what to do with it. Luca is still in the house so you can’t scream at him yet. Instead, you’re sat on the sofa stewing with tears falling down your face, scalding the skin as it falls.

‘Mom, why am I going with Uncle Sam?’ Luca asks, running towards you. ‘I thought I am spending the weekend with Bucky.’ Your son looks between the three adults, not aware of the tension in the air. Pulling him over to your body, you hug Luca and give him a kiss on the head.

‘I know, baby, but me and Bucky need to talk. One of us will pick you up later, okay?’ you fake another smile. ‘Be good for Uncle Sam, now.’

After you all say your goodbyes, you try to speak but your voice is locked inside of your throat. You’re left staring at Bucky as you’re consumed with pain and betrayal. Reaching for your wine, you gulp down the liquid like it is the only thing that is able to keep you present.

‘Why?’ your throat is hoarse. You’re unsure if it’s the alcohol or the crying. When Bucky doesn’t respond, you start to scream at the man staring at the floor beneath him. ‘Why did you fucking do it? Why did you lie to me? Why did you tell me that you still love me? I’m not some idiot that you can keep fucking up and then crawling back to. I’m better than that.’

‘Don’t shout at me,’ Bucky warns but you don’t care. You’re finally able to release all of the anger and by hell, you are not going to stop until you’ve let it all out. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ 

You watch Bucky fidget with his fingers. He’s glancing from side to side and you feel yourself growing angrier and angrier. ‘Sam told me everything,’ you warn. ‘Don’t miss anything out, you have a tell when you lie, and I know exactly what it is. So. Now that it’s out of the way, tell me about your son.’

‘What did Sam tell you?’

‘He told me that you had a son that was born a few weeks after you left me. He told me that the baby and the mother died in a car crash. He told me that he gave you an ultimatum to tell me about them or that he would. Only you didn’t tell me, did you? You called me a burden and then you left.’

‘So why do you still have questions? Why does it even matter? They’re dead and all you want to do is bring up the past,’ Bucky screams, pulling at his hair in frustration and as you pour yourself another glass of wine. Each second that Bucky acts like this, the more you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut. You’re an idiot. How did you ever trust him? How can you trust him?

‘Because I deserve to know the truth. Because I need to know the truth. Because I am taking a leap of faith by letting you be a part of Luca’s life. With that, I need to know that I can trust you with my son. That I can trust what you are saying. And after today, I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust you.’

Bucky sighs before sitting beside you, prompting you to move away from him and cradle your wine. ‘I didn’t cheat on you if that’s what you want to know.’ 

‘Tell me everything. And don’t you dare miss anything out,’ you sound defeated. He has put you through so much in the past few weeks that simply hearing his name makes you sick. You finish your glass and pour yourself another before looking at Bucky for answers.

‘It was before we were together,’ he begins, looking up at you to see if you’re listening to him. You are. Intently. It is as if nothing in the world matters anymore: you just need to know the truth. ‘It was one night, and I never spoke to her again until she found me and told me that she was pregnant with my baby.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ you whisper, your fingers trembling. Taking another shaky gulp of wine, you look at him. The man you once loved. ‘Why did you just leave me?’

‘I didn’t know about the baby until about a month before I left...I didn’t know if he was mine and so I took a paternity test. He was,’ Bucky’s voice begins to tremble and you know that he is on the brink of crying. It hurts you but you don’t care for his feelings right now. Not really. You feel for his son, but not him. Not Bucky.

‘Then, Anna wanted to play happy families. I told her that if he was mine, I would support her. I would support him.’

‘What was his name?’ you whisper, unable to find your voice. 

‘Theo.’

‘That’s a nice name,’ you say, feeling remorseful. It makes you feel wrong for asking about his son so you drink more wine. ‘But why didn’t you tell me?’

‘It would have hurt more if I told you the truth about it all,’ Bucky reaches for your hand but you pull it away. ‘I wanted to tell you, I swear that I did, but I also wanted to support Theo. I wanted to watch him grow up but Anna told me that I had to be with her to be in his life.’

‘Then why did you lie to me recently? Why did you tell me that you still love me?’ you scream. Sobs wrack your body and you finally break down. You’re wailing and tears and snot fall down onto your jumper but it doesn’t matter. You just need to scream and cry and let out all of the pain that has built up over the years,

‘Because I do. I have always loved you,’ he pleads. ‘But you don’t care, you just want Sam. You just want to fuck my former friend, don’t you?’

‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t have needed Sam to give you the ultimatum, did you?’ you shout, ignoring the last part of his tirade. ‘If you loved me, you would have told me the truth. You wouldn’t have just left me high and dry, pregnant with your child, would you?’

‘I didn’t know that you were pregnant.’

‘But you wouldn’t have acted any differently if you knew, would you?’

‘I would have stayed,’ he pleads once more. ‘I didn’t tell you because I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I know it was wrong to not tell you about Anna and Theo but I didn’t think that you would ever find out. I didn’t expect Sam to tell you about them. I didn’t know it was going to happen. I swear.’

‘Did you really think that you were sparing me?’

‘Yes. Luca gave me another chance to be a father and I didn’t want to do anything that would mess it up,’ Bucky grabs your hand and you’re too weak to even pull away. ‘I know that I fucked up. That I know. But I didn’t mean to. I love you and I wanted the three of us to be a family and we were getting there, weren’t we?’

‘Y-you have a part in Luca’s life. He wants you here and I am not going to deny him of a relationship with his father,’ you’re unable to cry anymore. The tears are no longer falling and all you can do is resign yourself. ‘But you need to understand that if you hurt him just once, you will no longer have any contact with him. He is innocent in all of this. He is the purest thing in our lives and you will not ruin him.’

‘He’s my son.’

‘I don’t care. I need you to understand that you cannot hurt him. He does not deserve to be the result of the shit that has happened between us. I want to tell him that he has a dad, do you know how much I want that?’ your voice is high and you’re on the brink of screaming once more. ‘But you can’t do to him what you did to me. You can’t love me. I don’t think you ever did.’

‘I have always loved you. It has always been you. I hated myself for hurting you,’ Bucky begins to beg. He needs you to understand his point of view. ‘I still hate myself for hurting you. I remember how hurt you were when I left. It still haunts me to this day. I can never forgive myself and I don’t think you can ever forgive me. All I can do is be a better man and try to make things better.’

‘How can I believe any word that comes out of your mouth?’

‘You can’t,’ he whispers. ‘But remember when you told me about the box and you showed me all of the memories I missed? That was the biggest wake-up call in my life, realising just how much I have lost due to my own stupidity. Not only did I lose the first few years of Luca’s life, but I also lost you.’

‘You did that when you left,’ you sigh and pour yourself the rest of the wine. You have nothing else to keep you sane anymore.

‘I know. And seeing you with Sam hurt me. It was like I was being stabbed over and over again. Seeing you with him of all people made me feel sick. He was my best friend…’

‘Don’t make this about me and Sam. I told you that we haven't slept together. But remember that you don’t get a say in my life, or my relationships, Bucky. There isn’t a me and you anymore. There hasn’t been for a decade. You need to understand that you don’t get a say.’

‘But I do,’ he states. ‘Luca is my son and any decision that affects him should mean that I get a say in it.’

‘No. You’re not even on his birth certificate.’

‘We can change that. I want to be a part of his life and I want us to be a family. A real one.’

‘You can have that in your dreams at night.’


	11. e l e v e n

*

| 2014 | new york |

*

‘Mommy, Jordan said that my dad doesn’t love me,’ Luca wails as you pick him up, kissing the top of his head. ‘Why don’t I have a dad, mommy? Where is he? Why does everyone else have one apart from me?’ He wails and shakes so you pick him up, stroking the top of his head. It only seems to make Luca cry even more. 

Your heart breaks, watching Luca curl into your body and cry over a father that doesn’t even know that he exists. Soothing your son, you’re not sure what to tell him. He’s too young to know the truth, but you do also want Bucky to be a part of his life. Luca’s life, but not yours. He grips onto you with all his strength and you try not to cry alongside him. 

‘I’m sorry, baby,’ you coo into his hair. Walking with Luca still wrapped tightly around your body, you unlock the car and place him in. ‘We’ll go home and watch some cartoons before dinner, okay? I hate seeing you upset.’ Luca nods, absentmindedly looking out of the window as his sobs turn into hiccups.

With the radio playing in the background, your mind goes into autopilot as you drive home. Do you still have Bucky’s number? Does it work? Would he even want to talk to you? Especially knowing about his new girlfriend, you doubt that he will want any part in your, or Luca’s life. If he ever wanted to be a part of your life, he wouldn’t have left, you try to reason but it only makes things harder. Thinking about Bucky is never good for you and that’s the truth.

Some days you miss him, but others, you miss the idea of a future that involved Bucky. It was a teenage dream that reality stole and destroyed. You’re not sure where you would be, or what you would be doing if you weren’t with Bucky, or if you didn’t have Luca. But it’s not something you want to think about. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to you. Luca saved you.

*

| present day |

*

Bucky is calling you incessantly after the argument and you’ve been avoiding Sam, too. It’s been difficult as Luca doesn’t understand why everything changed so quickly and with Christmas coming up, you’re certain that he wants to spend it with you and Bucky. 

He always speaks about Bucky. A part of you is glad that Luca has both of his parents in his life, even if he does not know about Bucky just yet. The other feels a deep cut that never really ebbs as you realise that he loves Bucky more than you. Jealousy is ot a productive emotion, you remind yourself when it comes to looking after a child, but you can’t help it. The thought that Bucky is able to just come into Luca’s life after a decade and be the star parent hurts.

‘Luca, come down for your breakfast,’ you call up the stairs before returning to the kitchen. More than anything, you want him to say that he’s sick so you don’t have to go into work. Bucky is coming in for a meeting about the progress of the advertising campaign and dread has consumed your body for the past few days. 

Hearing your son’s footsteps bolt down, you know that you will have to go to work and sigh. To say that you dread it is an understatement, especially now that the tension and animosity has returned. ‘Mom, mom,’ Luca calls out, snapping you from your thoughts. ‘Where’s my lunch, mom?’ He looks around the kitchen, hunting for his lunchbox.

Blinking a few times, you’re brought back to reality and make his lunch on autopilot. Nothing feels particularly real. You’re just going one step at a time. It’s hard and you don’t know how much longer you can survive like this. Do you want to talk to Sam? Do you still want something from him? The only thing you’re sure about is that kissing him was a bad idea.

Handing Luca his lunch, you tell him to put it in his bag before he-or you- forget. Every moment that passes makes you feel even more apprehensive about having to face the day. You feel guilty for being in such a state, but you feel worse for knowing that your mood will affect Luca. It’s not fair for him. None of it is fair for him.

*

The meeting goes well, you think. Bucky seems pleased with the outcome and doesn’t really say anything to you which is a win, in your book. That is, until everybody files out of the room and you’re left to clear it up. Bucky falls back, telling his assistant something and she makes her way home.

You’re stuck in a room with him and don’t know what to say or do. Collecting the scraps of paper without confidential information on it, you bin them before taking the rest to be shredded at the back of the room. ‘We need to talk,’ Bucky announces, pulling down the blinds. 

‘About what?’ you play dumb, not in the mood to have a real conversation with him. ‘We don’t have anything to speak about, Bucky. I haven’t taken away your privileges to see Luca. He’s still allowed to stay with you over the weekend. What is there to speak about?’

‘Us,’ he sounds frustrated and you roll your eyes. A stray tear falls down your face and you briskly wipe it away as you shred the notes from the meeting that were discarded. The low hum of the shredder dulls out some of Bucky’s voice in your head as it plays over and over but it’s not enough. You want it to dull the reality of your situation. You want the knowledge of Bucky’s other family to be removed.

‘There isn’t an us, Bucky,’ you’re defeated. It’s as if he won’t take no for an answer. ‘Is this your ploy to get me to allow you to tell Luca that you’re his father? Because if it is, it won’t work. You need to prove to me that you actually love him and you want to protect him.’

‘How haven’t I proven that to you? Please explain that to me because I: always pick him up on time; make sure that he goes to bed at nine; I love him. What more do you fucking want me to do? Why are you punishing me by punishing him? Doesn’t Luca deserve to know that he has a dad that loves him?’

‘Don’t you dare turn this on me, and don’t do this whilst I am at work. Especially since I have to pick Luca up from school now,’ you hiss, trying to walk past Bucky but you can’t. His body is still built like a brick wall and you struggle to get him to move.

‘Can we pick him up together and then talk about this? Like adults,’ he begs and you don’t like the fact that he is insinuating that you are not an adult when everything has stemmed from his actions and his lies. ‘I want to make it up to you. I told you that I want us to be a real family and I mean it. I want to give Luca what I didn’t have.’

‘You can’t just keep saying that you want to make it up to me, Bucky,’ you sigh. ‘You can’t keep hurting me, fucking me up, and screaming at me to then expect a few words will make it all better. It doesn’t work like that. You should have learnt that by now.’

‘Please can we just pick him up together?’

‘It’s a waste of petrol. I drove to work and I assume that you drove here too so it would be such a waste for us both to drive there in separate cars.’

‘I’ll get my assistant to drop mine off at yours?’

Rubbing your face, you sigh. ‘Fine. I’m taking Luca to my parents’ house as they haven’t seen him in a while.’ Bucky nods and you walk out of the meeting room to your car as he calls his assistant, you assume. As you get in the car, you deliberate just leaving him but you don’t. 

Bucky gets in a few moments later and you start the engine, not wanting to speak to the man that has ruined you. ‘When can I tell him who I am?’

‘He knows who you are: you’re Bucky. His idol.’

‘You know what I’m talking about.’

*

‘What do I have to do to make it up to you?’ Bucky paces in front of you.

‘There’s nothing you can do to make it up to me. Just be a father to Luca,’ you sigh.

‘You keep saying that but you also don’t let me into your life. Why are you keeping me at arm’s distance?’ Bucky wants to scream. You can see the vein in his neck popping out. ‘How can I be a part of his life and not yours? Make it make sense. You’re his mother.’

‘Because you’re here for Luca. You aren’t here for me. You’re here for him,’ you reassert, voice filled with faux-conviction. ‘There isn’t anything between me and you anymore, Bucky. Not since you fucking left me for your other fucking family. One I didn’t even know about until last week.’

‘But I meant what I said about wanting us to be a family. A real family.’

‘No, Bucky, you want a family,’ you correct, anger bubbling to the surface. ‘I bet you told her that you wanted a family, right? Wanted to be a real one and when you lost that chance, you’re trying to do that here. Is that why you’re so desperately looking for an heir? So you can pretend to have a real family? Or so you can have some innocent child you can fuck up?’

Bucky looks away from you and you’re certain you’ve hit a nerve. ‘Don’t talk about things you don’t understand,’ he warns. ‘I have always loved you and when I said that I wanted to have a family with you, all those years ago, I meant it. But it seems like you’re the one that didn’t mean it. I’m giving you a chance for us to be a real family and all you can do is be mad at me.’

‘You know I’m not just being like this without a reason, Bucky,’ you scream, voice hoarse and painful. ‘You’ve hurt me and lied to me so many times before that I’m not sure that I will ever be able to trust you. Fuck. Any residual love I had for you has completely dissipated. It’s not my fault. It’s yours. You did this to me.’

‘Then let me fix it. Tell me what I need to do to fix it.’

‘I don’t know what you can do to fix it. You’ve made so much damage that it seems almost irreparable now.’

‘One of the first things I’m going to do is transfer some of my shares into your name. You helped build Buchanan Bionics. You deserve it.’

‘I don’t want your money,’ you hiss. ‘It feels like you’re trying to buy me out and I’m not a company, Bucky. I’m a fucking person. If you really want to put your money to good use, start a trust for Luca. Make sure that he has enough money for college and that he has some money to get him started in life.’

‘But again you’re talking about Luca. I know what I need to do for him,’ Bucky tries to assure you. ‘Tell me what I need to do for you. How do I make it right with you?’

‘Look after Luca,’ you restate firmly.

‘I do. But I want you to love me again. I want to be able to tell him that I’m his dad. I want that little dream we had before to be a reality. I want to marry you. To have more kids with you. I want you to love me again.’

‘We can’t always have what we wish for.’

‘I swear that I’ll make it right. I’ll do anything to make it right.’


	12. t w e l v e

*

| 2014 | parkchester, new york |

*

Helping Luca into his little uniform, you can’t help but take a few pictures of his first day at school. He groans as you take multiple photos on your phone. His gap toothed grin makes you smile. It’s involuntary but it’s natural. Pride and happiness swell inside of you. He’s growing up and it feels as if the time is simply escaping you. Each day he gets bigger and older and it’s hard for you to understand how he’s become so big. He was so tiny when he was born and now he’s going to school. 

‘Are you ready for school, baby?’ Grabbing your keys, you open the door for Luca to run to the car. He looks at you with confusion and it pulls at your gut. It will be the first proper day that Luca will be under the supervision of a person you do not know. ‘You get to make lots of new friends today.’

‘Mommy, will you be at school with me?’ He looks at you with large beady eyes, begging for you not to leave him and your heart breaks. Straightening out his jumper, you use it as a way to hide the way your eyes are just a little glossed over. 

‘No, baby, you’re a big boy now and you get to make lots of friends without mommy,’ you try to explain, squeezing his hand for comfort. ‘But mommy is going to pick you up and you can tell me about all of the fun you’ve had, okay?’

Unlocking the car, you open Luca’s door and buckle him in. ‘But what if I don’t have fun?’ Your heart skips a beat; what if people are horrible to him or he doesn’t like it? The thought of not being there to fix everything causes dread to build up and you have to remind yourself that many parents have been in the same situation as you and they’ve been fine. Their kids have been fine, too.

‘How about this, when I pick you up, we will go for ice-cream and you can tell me if you had fun or not, okay?’ Luca nods at the prospect of ice-cream and you start to drive to his new school. It is a relief for you that he’s so easily agreeable but it doesn’t ease any of your own anxieties. Not really. ‘But it will be everybody’s first day and everyone wants to make friends.’

‘Please stay with me, mommy,’ Luca begs and you bite your bottom lip. It costs so much to get Luca enrolled that you almost feel bad to let him miss a day. Especially his first one. ‘Don’t leave me, mommy.’

‘I’m not leaving you, Luca. I will be back in no time and you’ll have lots of fun,’’ you soothe. ‘It will be fine. I will drop you off for a few hours and then I will pick you up.’ 

Luca nods and you stop the car in front of the large brick building. Vines climb the side of the walls and you can’t help but think about how many other little kids are in their uniform and begging to stay with their parents too. There’s an intimidating feeling from the building and you push down your own fears about leaving Luca.

Hand in hand, the two of you walk to the main entrance where an older woman is greeting people. ‘Hi,’ she greets you warmly. ‘I’m guessing this young man here is one of our newest students. What’s your name, sweetie?’

‘I’m Luca,’ he whispers hiding behind your leg. ‘I don’t wanna go, mommy.’ He whimpers and cries a little so you turn around and crouch down to his level.

‘What’s wrong, Luca?’ You know exactly how he feels; you feel it too. ‘Mommy doesn’t want to leave you either, but you need to be a big boy, okay?’ After a few minutes of looking at you, Luca nods through his little hiccups. He has never cried like this before and it simply breaks your heart.

‘Be a good boy and I will pick you up later, okay?’ Luca nods and hugs you before being ushered into his classroom. Watching his little legs carry himself away from you makes you want to sob but you hold it in until you get back to the car. 

*

| 2008 | parkchester, new york |

*

As the light creeps through the curtains, you roll over to Bucky and appreciate the soft rise and fall of his chest. Running a finger across his scar, you let the feeling of the healed skin take over for a few moments. It gives you time to reflect upon what he was like when he came back missing and arm and how destructive he was.

Placing a quick kiss on his shoulder, you curl into his side. Your shuffling has roused him a little. He groans before shifting himself further into the bed. The soft glow of daybreak lets you admire just how beautiful Bucky is. If anything, the scar only adds character. 

‘Hey,’ he groans, voice heavy with sleep and rolls over to face you. Quickly pecking his lips, you go back to staring at him. ‘Morning.’

‘Good morning,’ you whisper back, kissing him once again. 

‘What are you thinking about?’

‘Who says I’m thinking about anything?’ You rebut, feeling heat creep up over your body. 

‘I can see it in your face.’

‘It’s nothi-’

‘No, if you’re thinking about it, it must be something,’ Bucky protests. His voice is still thick from sleep but his tone is determined. You’re aware that he’s slowly waking up although his eyes are still squinting from the light.

‘Do you think we’re in this for the long run?’ Your heart races. You’ve not asked Bucky this before. Not asked this question but it has been weighing on you for a while. Does Bucky feel the same way for you? Does he love you the way that you love him?

‘What do you mean, doll?’ He strokes your cheek, looking through you. His voice is a little concerned but he’s still as laid back as he usually is.

‘L-like, do you think that we will be together in the future?’ Your voice is meek. A little embarrassed, you try to hide your face in the blanket but Bucky stops you.

‘What sort of question is that? Of course I do.’

‘Do you think we’d get married and have kids?’

‘Why don’t we try and start with a kid now?’ Bucky raises his eyebrows and kisses your neck.

‘Bucky, I mean it. Are you being serious?’

‘Yes,’ he says in the most firm of voices. ‘I’m even more serious about me putting a baby in you.’

‘We don’t have the money for a baby!’

‘Then we can practice making one,’ his voice is suggestive and you’re already clenching your thighs together at the thought. Bucky gives you a suggestive smile before rolling over, caging you between his arms. ‘What do you think, sweetheart?’

It’s almost shameful how quickly you nod in agreement but it’s soon removed by Bucky’s lips against yours. ‘Fuck,’ you whisper into his mouth. Bucky takes it as the perfect time to kiss down your jaw and neck before his head dips below the covers to kiss your breasts.

Your nipples harden in anticipation and you’re too impatient for Bucky’s slow worshipping of your body. Taking the matter into your own hands, you wrap your legs around Bucky’s waist and use them to pull him towards you. It gives you a little leverage to rub your wet sex against his now hard cock. 

‘Fuck me,’ you demand, pulling Bucky’s head down to kiss you once more. ‘Please, Bucky.’

You’re desperate and he can see it. He can feel it, too. Your wetness stains his boxers and it’s enough encouragement for Bucky to rip off your panties. ‘Show me how much you need me, pretty girl.’

Bucky rolls back, laying on the bed and kicking off his boxers. You know that he wants you to ride him and you love being able to have a little control for once. You climb over, hovering about his erect cock before you sink down onto him. Bucky’s hands instantly go to gripping your waist in such a tight way that you’re certain that you are going to bruise. 

The stretch makes your head roll back, pushing your breasts further towards Bucky’s. He moves back to try and sit up a little and you know that it’s because he wants to put his mouth around your breasts. As you ride Bucky, his cock brushes against your clit making you scrunch your eyes shut, 

Pleasure builds up and you feel your legs growing weaker so you rely on Bucky more to keep you upright. As the knot in your stomach tightens, your hips rock more and more, trying to reach your climax. It comes so quickly after as your stomach flutters and you let out a loud moan.

*

| present day |

*

The entire situation plays on your mind. It’s like you cannot escape the reality of it all. Decade long secrets punching you in the gut over and over again. Bucky’s other family. His first family, if anything. And you need to know why he kept it from you. The truth. You need to know it all but you can’t face him. You don’t want to.

The only person that could possibly give you any answers is Sam. Your heart races at the thought of having to see him again after learning that he knew about it all but didn’t say a damn thing to you. It’s possible that you will be able to talk to him since Bucky will pick Luca up later in the day.

‘Luca,’ you call. His footsteps are heavy as he rushes down with his backpack. ‘Ready for school?’

‘Yes!’ He gives you a toothy smile before sitting on the stairs to put on his shoes. ‘Will I ever get to go back to my old school? I miss all of my friends.’

Guilt hits you immediately. Luca keeps asking about his old school. Private school. A place you could no longer afford. You made so many sacrifices to get him there in the first place but then things changed and you were no longer able to make ends meet. It pained you to pull Luca out but you had no other option. You couldn’t even wait until spring break. There was just no way you could afford it.

‘I don’t know, baby,’ you sigh. You will have to talk to Bucky about it soon. But you don’t want to see him. ‘Bucky will pick you up after school, okay?’ 

Luca nods and you open the door and unlock the car. Sighing, you pull out your phone and message Sam before reminding Bucky that Luca finishes school at three. Dread fills your body in case Bucky replies but you push all of it down and get into the car. ‘Ready?’ 

Luca nods once more and you switch on the ignition. Your phone rings as soon as you pull out of the driveway, the entire car filled with your ringtone. Pressing the answer call button, you pick up. ‘What do you want, Bucky?’

‘Well, hello to you too,’ he sneers. ‘I just want to talk.’

‘I’m driving right now,’ you know that your nonchalant tone is angering him. You hear him let out an angry sigh and you almost forget that Luca is beside you in your anger.

‘Don’t you dare shut me out,’ he warns. ‘Luca is my son and I swear I will be a part of your life too.’

‘M-mom?’ Luca squeaks and it hits you that the cat is now out of the bag. ‘Is Bucky really my dad?’


End file.
